Wednesday 20th August  17:25 pm Good Afternoon

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Nelson's Column May Widespread Diso-’Beeb’-ience 31st May 2005 Our brothers at the BBC seize the means of production Flicking on the radio the other morning, dowsing a headache with strong black coffee, I was hoping to catch Radio 4’s Today programme to limber up my brain before work. Instead I was greeted by an avuncular Kenneth Clarke taking me through the ‘jazz greats’. An off-putting way to begin the day. The BBC was on strike, so I would have to suffer. I was more amused than annoyed by the rest of the day’s TV and radio disruption: the news became some sort of disorganised News 24 hybrid, the opening of the Chelsea Flower Show was replaced with a retrospective of last year’s event (most viewers remained blissfully unaware) and Newsnight was cancelled. We could be in for a summer of televisual disruption if talks don’t bear fruit; sports fans beware, organisers have earmarked Wimbledon as a target. It’s just a shame the BBC don’t cover the cricket anymore…………. Change is afoot in the world of television, there’s no doubt about that; TV is set to complete the wholesale change to digital by 2012 and the rise of cross-media diversification is unstoppable. Our British idiosyncrasy, public service broadcasting, won’t be left untouched. The BBC Director General Mark Thompson says the ‘streamlining’ plan will increase efficiency with the savings being ploughed back into content and the corporation’s future. Just like Greg Dyke and John Birt before him, the DG is hiring in tiers of executives to lead the cull of actual journalists, technicians and producers who make the BBC’s products. Most of those programme-makers who get the chop will be able to hire themselves back (more expensively) as freelancers to the Beeb. Thus the corporation effectively increases its per-unit production costs, but does at least free whole floors of Broadcasting House and Shepherd’s Bush for executive ‘blue skies’ brainstorming sessions. The strikers argue that staff cuts will lead to a drop in programme quality, harming the corporation’s case for the licence fee. Perhaps the top brass should be listening – the licence fee is the only part of the BBC they never want to see changed. They recently rejected outright any change vis-à-vis the licence fee in the face of a proposal from outside broadcasters. ‘Top-slicing’ would allow other companies to bid for license money to produce public service programmes. Given the general success of most attempts to contract-out public services (think rail, school dinners etc) these private initiatives make me a little apprehensive, but if they were all staffed by disgruntled former BBC staff it would serve the corporation right. I am the first person - after sitting through hours of budget game shows, reality rubbish and relentless adverts on television abroad - to tell Johnny Foreigner how fantastic television is in Britain, and by that I mean the BBC. How they gasp when I tell them about this fabled TV station with programmes of some vague educational value and - now this really bowls them over - no commercials. Despite their rather desperate attempts to latch onto the reality genre, the BBC does represent a quality choice unavailable to TV viewers outside the UK. What’s more, the BBC is a place of learning, for everyone from broadcasters to electricians, with an awesome pedigree. Change is as inevitable as opposition to it but let’s hope it moves in the right direction. I’m all for a modern BBC, evolving to make the most of new technology and meet future challenges but let's hope it doesn’t end up an anaemic clone of its privately funded competitors. We don’t know how lucky we are in this country to have the BBC… but the people who really don’t appreciate what the BBC stands for are those egg-heads who treat long-standing staff as unwanted detritus and actively seek to undermine the BBC’s expertise by driving all the technicians and production units onto a freelance basis. I love the idea of a BBC strike that shows us what we’re missing – I just don’t like the reality. More strikes are planned for next week and over the coming months. But it shouldn’t matter anyway; it’s summer time so we should all be out chatting away over a refreshing pint in sunny pub garden, not sat in front of the box. Although I fear that for many of us – however hard we might try to fight it - summer may be spent, mentally if not physically, with a group of randoms in a house in Elstree. Ken He Fix It? Yes, He Ken Good for Ken Livingstone, stepping in today to save the London Eye from closure or even a move to Paris. The most popular attraction in Europe faced a move after the South Bank Centre decided to up the rent. Our Ken not only forced the SBC to back down with the threat of a compulsory purchase – he also took the opportunity to label SBC chairman Lord Hollick a "complete prat". That’s why we love him. Pants Performance David Schwimmer (aka Ross) suffered a short sense of humour failure last night when he caught a paparazzi photographing him as he made a costume change in the wings of his West End show ‘Some Girls’. The Friends star was upset at the time but later joked that if the snapper had been after a shot of his crown jewels they would have needed a ‘a very good telephoto lense’. Geldof Gears Up for G8 Gig Sir Bob Geldoff today announced plans for a massive free gig in Hyde Park just before the G8 summit in Edinburgh, to bring pressure on world leaders as they meet. Live 8 will take place simultaneously in Berlin, Rome and Paris and the UK gig is set to include U2, the Rolling Stones, Sir Paul McCartney, Coldplay, Madonna, Sting and Robbie Williams. Not to mention a reformed Spice Girls, back to save the world. July 2008 24th July Sandwiched Out 17th July The Show Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Lady's on Page 3 June 2008 26th June Love All at Wimbledon 16th June Miller Puts the Heat on Tennant May 2008 27th May Booze Banned on Buses 20th May Same Again? April 2008 23rd April By George 11th April Back to the 80s March 2008 28th March How do You Solve A Problem Like Medea? 20th March Flight Fantastic February 2008 20th February Dark, Satanic Turnmills 6th February A Diamond in the Drink January 2008 21st January People Wanted for Plinth 14th January Boo! Hiss! December 2007 28th December Tate That - A Hirst for Art 20th December Christmas Shopping November 2007 27th November Mind the Gap 26th November London On A Tray October 2007 26th October Leaving the Station 14th October The Sky's the Limit September 2007 26th September The Play Within A Play 19th September Fashion, Frocks and Celeb Shocks 12th September Saying Tanks for the Mammaries August 2007 24th August Heathrow under Siege 17th August Gormless 10th August Losing Face July 2007 24th July Are We Reaching Boiling Point Yet This Summer? 13th July Red Ken versus Blonde Boris June 2007 22nd June Last Orders at the Fag Machine 11th June London the Musical May 2007 21st May What Lurks Beneath 10th May The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of April 2007 27th April London’s Walk on the Wild Side 20th April Stand Behind the Yellow Line 13th April Like Water for Chocolate March 2007 23rd March So, Another Magazine 16th March Avoiding iContact February 2007 23rd February Sex and Art... 16th February C-Charge Protest Fails to Bring Down Government 9th February Live Earth London January 2007 26th January A Vote for Shilpa is a Vote for Britain 18th January Carriage on up the West End December 2006 29th December Food for Thought 22nd December A Poisonous Marketing Campaign 15th December In for a Penny, In for Five Pounds November 2006 17th November Big Department Stores Leave Santa Out in the Cold 10th November Failing to Save the World October 2006 27th October Frozen Prawns and Melting Icecaps 20th October Predatory Pelicans and Happy Woodland Folk 13th October Hope at last for east end of Oxford Street September 2006 16th September Lite the Blue Paper and Stand Well Back 9th September Of Poles and Twiglets August 2006 25th August Free Fares For the Fat and the Fashionable 11th August London Friendly 4th August Archway To Organic Heaven July 2006 21st July London - Celebrity Frat House 7th July Out of the Galleries into the Streets June 2006 23rd June Mayors, Nightmares and Marias 16th June Downright Rude in Paris and London 9th June Enter the Inferno May 2006 26th May Curvaceous Border 12th May Vegging Out April 2006 21st April The Camden Crawl 17th April Down the Pan 13th April I Want to Break Free 9th April Big Brother seems to have been left in a bar somewhere 7th April Don't Box Me In March 2006 24th March Political Correctness Reaches New Heights February 2006 24th February A Stadium's Tale: Cup Final Goes West 17th February Modern Musicals are Rubbish 10th February The City-Side Alliance January 2006 20th January February Sales 20th January Moby Sick 13th January Glass Half Full 3rd January Three Cheers for the Tube Station Workers December 2005 22nd December January Bites 16th December A Remarkable Year November 2005 25th November And a Partridge in a JCB 11th November Driving Miss Sadie 4th November Spam, Spam, Spammity-Spam, Shakespeare, Zorro, Chico and Rasputin October 2005 28th October Trick or Treat? 21st October We Don't Mind a Little Delay... 14th October Final Resting Place for Young British Artists September 2005 16th September Just a small urn for me, please barman 9th September DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! 2nd September The Free Tenor August 2005 30th August Samba Rhythms Breaking Out All Over The Stadium 20th August Getting Behind the Iron Farce 10th August Mystery Play is No Sell Out July 2005 29th July Moving On From 7/7 22nd July Get loaded in the park 15th July Victoire!! June 2005 24th June New Balls, Please