Friday 5th December  7:53 am Good Morning

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Nelson's Column June The Hooded Law 10th June 2005 You Can't Hide Your Face from the Fashion Police My sister and her boyfriend like to dress up. Nothing dodgy you understand - just the odd fancy dress party or two. Anyway, it was the boyfriend’s birthday the other week and to celebrate there was an informal gathering in the local pub. While scanning the invite for details on the morning of the bash, my eyes nervously focused on the section entitled Dress Code. As I feared, there was a catch. Wigs were to be worn throughout the evening. One quick dash to the local fancy dress shop later and there I am, pint in hand, my head encased in an explosion of synthetic fibres, surrounded by a forest of afros, mullets, dreadlocks, spiral perms, bobs and bowl cuts. The air in the pub hung heavy with hairpieces and toupee tape. All was going well (I was even getting to rather like my Leo Sayer-style barnet) when a rather tetchy barman grabs me on my way to the Ladies and demands that I get my "mate to remove his baseball cap". When I ask why, I'm informed that it's "brewery policy, innit". Baseball caps, apparently, prevent customers from being identified on the CCTV cameras. Cocky from my two pints of Kronenburg I pointed out that most of us were sporting hugs wigs, drooping moustaches, fake bushy beards and untenably large stick-on sideburns, so, in theory, baseball caps were the least of his problems. I didn’t even recognise myself in the mirror, I pointed out, what chance did a security bloke peering at a CCTV screen have? All I got was a shrug and a gruff reiteration that "the wigs are fine, just lose the cap, ok". Three days later, my cap confrontation far behind me, and I’m at home listening to the news. One story, in particular, grabs my attention – Blue Water shopping centre’s ban on hooded tops which "prevent customers from being identified on the CCTV cameras". Wide-brimmed hats, balaclavas, wimples and even snoods (attractive) were all fine, it seems, but hooded tops definitely not. Sound familiar? I almost choke on my foccacia. I’m just about breathing again when I discover an article in the Metro about DHL refusing to deliver packages in certain hood-infested areas of London… Korea – yes, Canning Town – no; Iraq - sure, Custom House - no way. Unbelievable. What’s going on here is clearly nothing to do with CCTV cameras (if that were the case there would be one standard rule applying to any item of clothing that obscured a person’s identity) and everything to do with total and utter fashion fascism – Fashionism - fabric cleansing at its very worse. The assumption is, if you wear either a baseball cap or a hooded top, you’re essentially a hoodlum out to cause trouble. We’re, quite rightly, not allowed to discriminate on the basis of skin colour, sex, religion, race, age or height so why is it suddenly acceptable to discriminate and pre-judge on the basis of one’s attire? Criminals come in all sorts of shapes, sizes, ages, sexes and, yes, clothing. I’m not saying all hooded top wearers are little angels, but not all of them are little devils either. The more they feel persecuted and pre-judged the more they’ll end up conforming to the stereotype because it’ll take more effort not to. London has a reputation for being one of the most accepting cities in the world – kaftans, smocks, turbans, burqas and headscarves blend seamlessly with jeans, leather jackets, string vests and even jodhpurs in a landscape rich with clothing of all styles, shapes and sizes. This new trend for both judging and discriminating on the basis of clothing makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable and threatens to detract from the amazing air of total and utter acceptance that makes me proud to be a Londoner. So use your head and get a hood – not only is it a stylish addition to any wardrobe it stops your hair getting wet in the rain. Birds of Prey Flock to London A growing population of birds of prey are putting down roots all around the capital. A family of peregrine falcons have been discovered on a tower block in Marylebone, while a breeding site has been spotted near the Millennium Dome. Window cleaners have also discovered a pair of kestrels nesting in the area. Pigeons watch your wings. Lubbly-Jubilee Designs for a new park in South Bank’s Jubilee Gardens were unveiled on 22nd June. Landscape architects West 8 won the bid with their plans for a lush, organic area with softly undulating hills and lookout points over the Thames. Renovation of the gardens forms a small part of a bigger scheme to redesign the whole of the South Bank, including a £91 million remodelling of the Festival Hall. Department Store no More Dickins and Jones, one of the world's first department stores, is set to close its doors for good in January 2006. The House of Fraser group - who owns the store - recently announced the decision, which they say is the result of poor sales, soaring rent, and a downturn in consumer spending. The lease for the Regent Street shop - dating back to 1835 - has been bought by two property development firms. November 2008 26th November All The World's A Stage 20th November Surviving the Crunch October 2008 24th October Boris v Jingjing 17th October Soaps in Pole Position September 2008 23rd September Chips too Chavvy for Chelsea 16th September The London Restaurant Awards August 2008 26th August No Smoking, No Ducks, No Barbecues 20th August The Olympics July 2008 24th July Sandwiched Out 17th July The Show Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Lady's on Page 3 June 2008 26th June Love All at Wimbledon 16th June Miller Puts the Heat on Tennant May 2008 27th May Booze Banned on Buses 20th May Same Again? April 2008 23rd April By George 11th April Back to the 80s March 2008 28th March How do You Solve A Problem Like Medea? 20th March Flight Fantastic February 2008 20th February Dark, Satanic Turnmills 6th February A Diamond in the Drink January 2008 21st January People Wanted for Plinth 14th January Boo! Hiss! December 2007 28th December Tate That - A Hirst for Art 20th December Christmas Shopping November 2007 27th November Mind the Gap 26th November London On A Tray October 2007 26th October Leaving the Station 14th October The Sky's the Limit September 2007 26th September The Play Within A Play 19th September Fashion, Frocks and Celeb Shocks 12th September Saying Tanks for the Mammaries August 2007 24th August Heathrow under Siege 17th August Gormless 10th August Losing Face July 2007 24th July Are We Reaching Boiling Point Yet This Summer? 13th July Red Ken versus Blonde Boris June 2007 22nd June Last Orders at the Fag Machine 11th June London the Musical May 2007 21st May What Lurks Beneath 10th May The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of April 2007 27th April London’s Walk on the Wild Side 20th April Stand Behind the Yellow Line 13th April Like Water for Chocolate March 2007 23rd March So, Another Magazine 16th March Avoiding iContact February 2007 23rd February Sex and Art... 16th February C-Charge Protest Fails to Bring Down Government 9th February Live Earth London January 2007 26th January A Vote for Shilpa is a Vote for Britain 18th January Carriage on up the West End December 2006 29th December Food for Thought 22nd December A Poisonous Marketing Campaign 15th December In for a Penny, In for Five Pounds November 2006 17th November Big Department Stores Leave Santa Out in the Cold 10th November Failing to Save the World October 2006 27th October Frozen Prawns and Melting Icecaps 20th October Predatory Pelicans and Happy Woodland Folk 13th October Hope at last for east end of Oxford Street September 2006 16th September Lite the Blue Paper and Stand Well Back 9th September Of Poles and Twiglets August 2006 25th August Free Fares For the Fat and the Fashionable 11th August London Friendly 4th August Archway To Organic Heaven July 2006 21st July London - Celebrity Frat House 7th July Out of the Galleries into the Streets June 2006 23rd June Mayors, Nightmares and Marias 16th June Downright Rude in Paris and London 9th June Enter the Inferno May 2006 26th May Curvaceous Border 12th May Vegging Out April 2006 21st April The Camden Crawl 17th April Down the Pan 13th April I Want to Break Free 9th April Big Brother seems to have been left in a bar somewhere 7th April Don't Box Me In March 2006 24th March Political Correctness Reaches New Heights February 2006 24th February A Stadium's Tale: Cup Final Goes West 17th February Modern Musicals are Rubbish 10th February The City-Side Alliance January 2006 20th January February Sales 20th January Moby Sick 13th January Glass Half Full 3rd January Three Cheers for the Tube Station Workers December 2005 22nd December January Bites 16th December A Remarkable Year November 2005 25th November And a Partridge in a JCB 11th November Driving Miss Sadie 4th November Spam, Spam, Spammity-Spam, Shakespeare, Zorro, Chico and Rasputin October 2005 28th October Trick or Treat? 21st October We Don't Mind a Little Delay... 14th October Final Resting Place for Young British Artists September 2005 16th September Just a small urn for me, please barman 9th September DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!