Tuesday 6th January  15:08 pm Good Afternoon

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Nelson's Column September The Free Tenor 2nd September 2005 The Freedom of the City of London has been given to Luciano Pavarotti I am delighted to hear that Italian operatic giant Luciano Pavarotti has been awarded the Freedom of the City of London. Whoopee. He must be delirious. According to ancient legend, not only does being a Freeman entitle him to drive sheep and cattle over London Bridge (even at rush hour), frolic about the City with a drawn sword and avoid being press-ganged, he can get married in St Paul's Cathedral, get buried in the City, and get drunk and disorderly in public without spending the night in a cell. In fact, if he’s caught in a state of raucous inebriation by the coppers, he will be carefully inserted into a cab and driven gently home. Such benefits are not to be taken lightly. Luciano is clearly not just a man with a fine pair of vocal chords and a nice beard - he’s also got an eye for an opportunity because, as far as I see it, he can now... STEP 1. Find the woman of his dreams. STEP 2. Ward off any other potential suitors by frolicking around London with a menacing-looking sword. STEP 3. Indulge in a full-on drunk and disorderly stag night without fear of arrest. STEP 4. Get hitched in St Paul’s and never have to worry about guest numbers. STEP 5. Avoid the whole “going to war” thing and thus live a long and fruitful existence, at the end of which he can… STEP 6. Rest peacefully beneath the city that allowed him his freedom. (I’m not sure where the whole sheep and cattle thing fits in but, I guess, it means he’ll never go hungry, which is important for an Italian). Always on the lookout for a way to make my life in London run a tad more smoothly, I decide to research this whole “Freedom of the City” thing a bit more thoroughly (i.e. I spend 10 minutes on the internet quickly finding out about it, while simultaneously trying to book a flight to Dublin for a friend’s wedding). Q. My first concern – I am a girl, can I be a Freeman? A. Apparently, I can. Phew. (Well, technically it’s a Free Sister, but who’s complaining?) Q. Second concern – I’m not famous, talented, an opera singer or Italian. Help! A. Again, no problem – apparently candidates of any nationality, profession and little obvious talent are considered. Q. So far so good. Right… how do I apply? A. I pick up a form (check) and find myself two sponsors from the following bunch of respectable chaps - Common Councilmen (?), Aldermen (??) or members of a Livery Company (???). Hmmmm - tricky. I’m a bit short on Aldermen acquaintances and I’m not exactly sure what a Livery Company is. Anyway, where there’s a will… Q. And then? A. I make an “application visit” to the Chamberlain’s Court where I pay a Freedom Fee - otherwise known as a “fine”. Hang on. I go to COURT. And pay a FINE? Surely, this is wrong. I haven’t done anything illegal… yet. I suddenly begin to lose interest (and besides, Dublin is beckoning). Did they really make Luciano - one of the formidable Three Tenors - go to court and pay a fine? And what’s this about having to swear an oath upholding a load of 'Rules for the Conduct of Life'? My enthusiasm finally wanes when I discover that the ancient privileges are no longer upheld and the only real contemporary benefit is being able to send your offspring to a swanky school in the City – definitely not the same as driving herds of Milking Shorthorns across London Bridge. (Now, sending your cattle to a swanky school in the City would be worth going to court and paying a fine for…) After an enthusiastic start, I decide to give up and instead pay full attention to booking my long weekend in Dublin. Just before I do, though, the section entitled ‘Freedom of the City - Around the World’ catches my eye... I scroll down. Apparently, if I’m awarded the freedom of the city of Dublin, I can vote in certain elections, bring goods for sale into the city without customs and exercise the right to pasture sheep on common ground - seems a much better deal. Now, where can I find an Irish Alderman? A Clean Sweep for Chimneys? Battersea Power Station’s iconic chimneys will discover their fate at a meeting in October. Conservationists are protesting against plans, submitted by Hong Kong-based firm Parkview International, to demolish and rebuild the formidable funnels. Manor gets Manna from Heaven One of London’s most historic hidden gems is set to undergo a major face-lift after being awarded a £2 million investment. 1000-year-old Manor Park Farm in Ruislip will be restored, developed, and opened to the public thanks to a grant from the Heritage Lottery Fund. Statue Stand-off on Nine-Foot Nelson London Mayor, Ken Livingstone, has added his support to an appeal seeking planning permission for the installation of a statue of Nelson Mandela in Trafalgar Square. Plans for the nine-foot Ian Walters statue to be erected on the northern terrace of the square were rejected last year by Westminster City Council on the grounds that the location was wrong. December 2008 23rd December January is on the Horizon 20th December Merry Christmas November 2008 26th November All The World's A Stage 20th November Surviving the Crunch October 2008 24th October Boris v Jingjing 17th October Soaps in Pole Position September 2008 23rd September Chips too Chavvy for Chelsea 16th September The London Restaurant Awards August 2008 26th August No Smoking, No Ducks, No Barbecues 20th August The Olympics July 2008 24th July Sandwiched Out 17th July The Show Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Lady's on Page 3 June 2008 26th June Love All at Wimbledon 16th June Miller Puts the Heat on Tennant May 2008 27th May Booze Banned on Buses 20th May Same Again? April 2008 23rd April By George 11th April Back to the 80s March 2008 28th March How do You Solve A Problem Like Medea? 20th March Flight Fantastic February 2008 20th February Dark, Satanic Turnmills 6th February A Diamond in the Drink January 2008 21st January People Wanted for Plinth 14th January Boo! Hiss! December 2007 28th December Tate That - A Hirst for Art 20th December Christmas Shopping November 2007 27th November Mind the Gap 26th November London On A Tray October 2007 26th October Leaving the Station 14th October The Sky's the Limit September 2007 26th September The Play Within A Play 19th September Fashion, Frocks and Celeb Shocks 12th September Saying Tanks for the Mammaries August 2007 24th August Heathrow under Siege 17th August Gormless 10th August Losing Face July 2007 24th July Are We Reaching Boiling Point Yet This Summer? 13th July Red Ken versus Blonde Boris June 2007 22nd June Last Orders at the Fag Machine 11th June London the Musical May 2007 21st May What Lurks Beneath 10th May The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of April 2007 27th April London’s Walk on the Wild Side 20th April Stand Behind the Yellow Line 13th April Like Water for Chocolate March 2007 23rd March So, Another Magazine 16th March Avoiding iContact February 2007 23rd February Sex and Art... 16th February C-Charge Protest Fails to Bring Down Government 9th February Live Earth London January 2007 26th January A Vote for Shilpa is a Vote for Britain 18th January Carriage on up the West End December 2006 29th December Food for Thought 22nd December A Poisonous Marketing Campaign 15th December In for a Penny, In for Five Pounds November 2006 17th November Big Department Stores Leave Santa Out in the Cold 10th November Failing to Save the World October 2006 27th October Frozen Prawns and Melting Icecaps 20th October Predatory Pelicans and Happy Woodland Folk 13th October Hope at last for east end of Oxford Street September 2006 16th September Lite the Blue Paper and Stand Well Back 9th September Of Poles and Twiglets August 2006 25th August Free Fares For the Fat and the Fashionable 11th August London Friendly 4th August Archway To Organic Heaven July 2006 21st July London - Celebrity Frat House 7th July Out of the Galleries into the Streets June 2006 23rd June Mayors, Nightmares and Marias 16th June Downright Rude in Paris and London 9th June Enter the Inferno May 2006 26th May Curvaceous Border 12th May Vegging Out April 2006 21st April The Camden Crawl 17th April Down the Pan 13th April I Want to Break Free 9th April Big Brother seems to have been left in a bar somewhere 7th April Don't Box Me In March 2006 24th March Political Correctness Reaches New Heights February 2006 24th February A Stadium's Tale: Cup Final Goes West 17th February Modern Musicals are Rubbish 10th February The City-Side Alliance January 2006 20th January February Sales 20th January Moby Sick 13th January Glass Half Full 3rd January Three Cheers for the Tube Station Workers December 2005 22nd December January Bites 16th December A Remarkable Year November 2005 25th November And a Partridge in a JCB 11th November Driving Miss Sadie 4th November Spam, Spam, Spammity-Spam, Shakespeare, Zorro, Chico and Rasputin October 2005 28th October Trick or Treat? 21st October We Don't Mind a Little Delay... 14th October Final Resting Place for Young British Artists September 2005