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Nelson's Column
September
DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! 9th September 2005
24 hour boozing comes to London Town
Well, this week the newspapers have finally woken up to the implications of the new 24-hour-licensing. It seems amazing that it’s taken them so long to spot this important story, especially given the amount of booze most journalists put away, but it set me to wondering just what effect this will have on London.

Will we become, as the government assures us, a Southern-European type of city, where people start their evenings at midnight, drink a couple of beers through the night, while chatting amiably about art and philosophy, and finish up with a plate of oysters by the river, before soberly heading home, their shirts still tucked into their white jeans?

Or will we be the kind of place the tabloids are warning of, a sink of drunken depravity, where every Saturday night Burberry-clad gangs, insensible with alcohol, turn Central London into an orgy of vomit, fighting and public sex?

I can’t picture either scenario myself. Londoners are too naturally reserved for that ever-so-sophisticated Mediterranean way of life. How many people do you know who got together with their current partner while stone-cold sober? I do know men who can pull without a couple of early drinks to lower their inhibitions – but none of them are English.

Equally, we’re way, way too cool to become a city of drunks. Our artfully ripped jeans fall apart at the slightest provocation, our bimonthly haircuts need to be blow-dryed into place and fiddled with ten times a night, and our taste has to be on alert all night long, just in case we stray into a bar that stopped being fashionable two weeks ago. We simply can’t take the risk of staying out drinking too long, and actually letting ourselves go.

I would guess, in fact, that the English will continue to call time at eleven o’clock of their own volition. The only real change that the new laws will have on our lives, is that the tabloid newspapers will fold one after another, as their journalists, incapable of resisting the lure of booze, drink themselves into a stupor every night.
Blockbuster's Breakfast
A portrait of Harry Potter author, JK Rowling, is one of the National Portrait Gallery’s latest acquisitions. A notoriously private figure, Rowling is captured sitting at a table in her home, eating a boiled egg with toast soldiers.
McCabe and Mr Miller
80-year-old Hollywood patriarch, Robert Altman, has announced he will make his London stage directing debut next year. The “action painter” of American cinema will direct one of Arthur Miller’s final plays ‘Resurrection Blue’ at Kevin Spacey's Old Vic.
Contract Car Culling
Residents of Orford Road, Walthamstow, were left high and dry when contractors removed their cars without notice or warning during the night. Every car on the street was relocated so the road could be resurfaced.
December 2008
23rd December
January is on the Horizon
20th December
Merry Christmas
November 2008
26th November
All The World's A Stage
20th November
Surviving the Crunch
October 2008
24th October
Boris v Jingjing
17th October
Soaps in Pole Position
September 2008
23rd September
Chips too Chavvy for Chelsea
16th September
The London Restaurant Awards
August 2008
26th August
No Smoking, No Ducks, No Barbecues
20th August
The Olympics
July 2008
24th July
Sandwiched Out
17th July
The Show Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Lady's on Page 3
June 2008
26th June
Love All at Wimbledon
16th June
Miller Puts the Heat on Tennant
May 2008
27th May
Booze Banned on Buses
20th May
Same Again?
April 2008
23rd April
By George
11th April
Back to the 80s
March 2008
28th March
How do You Solve A Problem Like Medea?
20th March
Flight Fantastic
February 2008
20th February
Dark, Satanic Turnmills
6th February
A Diamond in the Drink
January 2008
21st January
People Wanted for Plinth
14th January
Boo! Hiss!
December 2007
28th December
Tate That - A Hirst for Art
20th December
Christmas Shopping
November 2007
27th November
Mind the Gap
26th November
London On A Tray
October 2007
26th October
Leaving the Station
14th October
The Sky's the Limit
September 2007
26th September
The Play Within A Play
19th September
Fashion, Frocks and Celeb Shocks
12th September
Saying Tanks for the Mammaries
August 2007
24th August
Heathrow under Siege
17th August
Gormless
10th August
Losing Face
July 2007
24th July
Are We Reaching Boiling Point Yet This Summer?
13th July
Red Ken versus Blonde Boris
June 2007
22nd June
Last Orders at the Fag Machine
11th June
London the Musical
May 2007
21st May
What Lurks Beneath
10th May
The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of
April 2007
27th April
London’s Walk on the Wild Side
20th April
Stand Behind the Yellow Line
13th April
Like Water for Chocolate
March 2007
23rd March
So, Another Magazine
16th March
Avoiding iContact
February 2007
23rd February
Sex and Art...
16th February
C-Charge Protest Fails to Bring Down Government
9th February
Live Earth London
January 2007
26th January
A Vote for Shilpa is a Vote for Britain
18th January
Carriage on up the West End
December 2006
29th December
Food for Thought
22nd December
A Poisonous Marketing Campaign
15th December
In for a Penny, In for Five Pounds
November 2006
17th November
Big Department Stores Leave Santa Out in the Cold
10th November
Failing to Save the World
October 2006
27th October
Frozen Prawns and Melting Icecaps
20th October
Predatory Pelicans and Happy Woodland Folk
13th October
Hope at last for east end of Oxford Street
September 2006
16th September
Lite the Blue Paper and Stand Well Back
9th September
Of Poles and Twiglets
August 2006
25th August
Free Fares For the Fat and the Fashionable
11th August
London Friendly
4th August
Archway To Organic Heaven
July 2006
21st July
London - Celebrity Frat House
7th July
Out of the Galleries into the Streets
June 2006
23rd June
Mayors, Nightmares and Marias
16th June
Downright Rude in Paris and London
9th June
Enter the Inferno
May 2006
26th May
Curvaceous Border
12th May
Vegging Out
April 2006
21st April
The Camden Crawl
17th April
Down the Pan
13th April
I Want to Break Free
9th April
Big Brother seems to have been left in a bar somewhere
7th April
Don't Box Me In
March 2006
24th March
Political Correctness Reaches New Heights
February 2006
24th February
A Stadium's Tale: Cup Final Goes West
17th February
Modern Musicals are Rubbish
10th February
The City-Side Alliance
January 2006
20th January
February Sales
20th January
Moby Sick
13th January
Glass Half Full
3rd January
Three Cheers for the Tube Station Workers
December 2005
22nd December
January Bites
16th December
A Remarkable Year
November 2005
25th November
And a Partridge in a JCB
11th November
Driving Miss Sadie
4th November
Spam, Spam, Spammity-Spam, Shakespeare, Zorro, Chico and Rasputin
October 2005
28th October
Trick or Treat?
21st October
We Don't Mind a Little Delay...
14th October
Final Resting Place for Young British Artists
September 2005
16th September
Just a small urn for me, please barman
9th September
DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!
2nd September
The Free Tenor