Thursday 28th August  2:24 am Good Morning

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Nelson's Column November And a Partridge in a JCB 25th November 2005 Who will top the charts this Christmas? How do you know when Christmas is coming in London? When Shane MacGowan starts singing about being drunk on the office stereo. The festive CD is the signal for journalists like me that the hype is finally giving way to a real holiday spirit among ordinary people. I’ve been writing about figgy pudding and present ideas for many months now, so I take a while to relax and enjoy Christmas. One debate that always quickens my cynical pulse though is the question – who’ll be Number One at Christmas? We journalists love a gamble. Every betting shop in the country agrees on the clear favourites – the eventual winners of this year’s thrilling 'X Factor'. Will it be Chico Time this Christmas? I rather hope not. He’s a very likeable chap but represents the most crushingly talent-free end of our modern musical spectrum. Good pecs, though. Further down the running are bland idols like Westlife, Robbie, and the Sugababes. Also making up the numbers but, thankfully, unlikely to top the charts is Cliff Richards, who has teamed up with the equally dreadful G4. If those guys get to Number One it will be the biggest national disgrace since Mr Blobby. Fun-loving Tony Christie and Peter Kay are planning a yuletide comeback, along with Take That, but it’s hard to see them triumphing. Crazy Frog has reared his ugly, gurning head again but he won’t be troubling the Top Ten - the kids may have enjoyed annoying us with him but they have moved on. Perhaps the best outside bet are the England Cricket Team, currently undervalued at 20/1. I’m no fan of novelty Christmas acts but if they can come up with a decent anthem the boys could cash in on the massive goodwill generated by their Ashes triumph. Ooh, I’d like to see Freddie hitting a high note for six. So far, so predictable. Manufactured pop and out-of-date idols, with actual artists like Eminem, Mariah Carey or Coldplay all rank outsiders. But lo, a strong contender for the Christmas Number One not dreamed up by tired and emotional record executives... Ladbrokes are currently offering 3/1 on Niplozi to take the festive top-spot with ‘JCB Song’. Last I checked, the odds were still dropping and my ten pounds at 35/1 were starting to look good value. Come on chaps! I like these guys, and not just because they’re about to pay for my Christmas shopping. I like them because they’re a pub band who didn’t even have a record deal until they exploded all over the internet. Their charming ditty about riding home on Dad’s JCB, holding up traffic, was animated by a friend and became one of the hottest links on the world wide web. Now pre-orders for the track are making them look like a good bet to be Number One on Jesus’s Birthday. The song is a simple, rather emotional ditty about father-son bonding, with real emotional resonance, but what pleases the public most is the deceptively simple animation and un-pop sensibility of the song. It’s a home-grown classic. If Niplozi do triumph it will not be the first Number One generated by the internet. The Arctic Monkeys recently held the top spot for a number of weeks with ‘Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor’, a tune promoted entirely through live performance and the net. It really pleases me to see musicians using the web. No prizes for guessing it would be hip indy acts, not record company stiffs, who realised that the internet could revolutionise their audience. Sure, you’re going to lose money to illegal downloads, but what about a Christmas Number One generated from nothing but goodwill? Eh? Let’s raise a glass to the power of the web. Bringing music to new ears and enriching all our lives, and rewarding talent with huge audiences. If this pair of pub musicians can turn the music industry inside out again this Christmas, it will do us all a lot of good. To see what all the fuss is about, Google ‘JCB Song’. Phone Moan A theatre-goer whose phone rang three times during a performance at Wyndham’s Theatre was asked to leave the auditorium. Actor Richard Griffiths commented “Is that it, or will it be ringing some more?" before requesting that the audience member vacate the premises. Diamonds Aren’t Forever The Natural History Museum’s celebrated Diamonds exhibition has closed three months early due to fears about a planned heist. Police warnings indicated a heightened criminal risk to the collection – which included the 203-carat De Beers Millennium Star, the world’s most valuable diamond. Tooting Croc is Bosk Shock!! A suspected alligator found on Tooting Bec Common was eventually identified by RSPCA inspectors as a 3½ ft Bosk monitor lizard. The creature, which died in the cold, was the second of its kind to be found in South London in the same week. August 2008 26th August No Smoking, No Ducks, No Barbecues 20th August The Olympics July 2008 24th July Sandwiched Out 17th July The Show Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Lady's on Page 3 June 2008 26th June Love All at Wimbledon 16th June Miller Puts the Heat on Tennant May 2008 27th May Booze Banned on Buses 20th May Same Again? April 2008 23rd April By George 11th April Back to the 80s March 2008 28th March How do You Solve A Problem Like Medea? 20th March Flight Fantastic February 2008 20th February Dark, Satanic Turnmills 6th February A Diamond in the Drink January 2008 21st January People Wanted for Plinth 14th January Boo! Hiss! December 2007 28th December Tate That - A Hirst for Art 20th December Christmas Shopping November 2007 27th November Mind the Gap 26th November London On A Tray October 2007 26th October Leaving the Station 14th October The Sky's the Limit September 2007 26th September The Play Within A Play 19th September Fashion, Frocks and Celeb Shocks 12th September Saying Tanks for the Mammaries August 2007 24th August Heathrow under Siege 17th August Gormless 10th August Losing Face July 2007 24th July Are We Reaching Boiling Point Yet This Summer? 13th July Red Ken versus Blonde Boris June 2007 22nd June Last Orders at the Fag Machine 11th June London the Musical May 2007 21st May What Lurks Beneath 10th May The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of April 2007 27th April London’s Walk on the Wild Side 20th April Stand Behind the Yellow Line 13th April Like Water for Chocolate March 2007 23rd March So, Another Magazine 16th March Avoiding iContact February 2007 23rd February Sex and Art... 16th February C-Charge Protest Fails to Bring Down Government 9th February Live Earth London January 2007 26th January A Vote for Shilpa is a Vote for Britain 18th January Carriage on up the West End December 2006 29th December Food for Thought 22nd December A Poisonous Marketing Campaign 15th December In for a Penny, In for Five Pounds November 2006 17th November Big Department Stores Leave Santa Out in the Cold 10th November Failing to Save the World October 2006 27th October Frozen Prawns and Melting Icecaps 20th October Predatory Pelicans and Happy Woodland Folk 13th October Hope at last for east end of Oxford Street September 2006 16th September Lite the Blue Paper and Stand Well Back 9th September Of Poles and Twiglets August 2006 25th August Free Fares For the Fat and the Fashionable 11th August London Friendly 4th August Archway To Organic Heaven July 2006 21st July London - Celebrity Frat House 7th July Out of the Galleries into the Streets June 2006 23rd June Mayors, Nightmares and Marias 16th June Downright Rude in Paris and London 9th June Enter the Inferno May 2006 26th May Curvaceous Border 12th May Vegging Out April 2006 21st April The Camden Crawl 17th April Down the Pan 13th April I Want to Break Free 9th April Big Brother seems to have been left in a bar somewhere 7th April Don't Box Me In March 2006 24th March Political Correctness Reaches New Heights February 2006 24th February A Stadium's Tale: Cup Final Goes West 17th February Modern Musicals are Rubbish 10th February The City-Side Alliance January 2006 20th January February Sales 20th January Moby Sick 13th January Glass Half Full 3rd January Three Cheers for the Tube Station Workers December 2005 22nd December January Bites 16th December A Remarkable Year November 2005 25th November And a Partridge in a JCB 11th November Driving Miss Sadie 4th November Spam, Spam, Spammity-Spam, Shakespeare, Zorro, Chico and Rasputin October 2005 28th October Trick or Treat? 21st October We Don't Mind a Little Delay... 14th October Final Resting Place for Young British Artists September 2005 16th September Just a small urn for me, please barman 9th September DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! 2nd September The Free Tenor August 2005 30th August Samba Rhythms Breaking Out All Over The Stadium 20th August Getting Behind the Iron Farce 10th August Mystery Play is No Sell Out July 2005 29th July Moving On From 7/7 22nd July Get loaded in the park 15th July Victoire!!