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Nelson's Column February Modern Musicals are Rubbish 17th February 2006 Unlikely Hero Comes to the Rescue of the British Musical Mamma Mia! Is one of my favourite shows, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. The plot may be a bizarre contrivance, but the jokes, the dancing, and ABBA’s music make for a fabulous, screamingly camp, night at the theatre. Buddy was OK as well, and you can’t go that far wrong with Queen, as the writers of We Will Rock You have found out to their profit. But there are limits. The Rod Stewart musical ‘Tonight’s the Night’ was far from alright. Madness’ show only lasted a couple of months before slinking off in embarrassment. And now they’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel. First up is ‘Movin’ Out’ a show based on the horribly annoying songs of Billy Joel. Next we have the chance to immerse ourselves in ‘Daddy Cool’, the Boney M musical, which I wrote about in January, and which has nothing whatsoever to recommend it apart from hopefully being the very worst show of all time. ‘Footloose’ follows, which might even be quite good, but there’s a whole heap of even less promising projects in the pipeline. Whatever happened to actually sitting down and writing new songs for your shows? Andrew Lloyd Webber has gone completely off the boil (his latest, ‘The Woman in White’ will be closing this week), but that doesn’t mean that nobody else should bother trying. ‘Glorious’ closes in April, and at that point the only musicals on in the West End will be Broadway imports, movie adaptations, pop act tributes or shows written in the last century. The Blue Man Group, The Producers, Guys and Dolls and the forthcoming Avenue Q are fabulous shows, and there are still great British classics like Blood Brothers, and Phantom. But musicals are the most popular live entertainment we have in this country, and if there is no new generation of Willy Russells and Andrew Lloyd-Webbers, they will eventually go the way of movies, dominated by American imports, and feeble remakes. Elton John’s fine soundtrack for ‘Billy Elliot’ suggests that Ms. Furness might have a big show in him, but the real glimmer of hope for the West End comes from a more surprising source: Damon Albarn. “The blackest man in West London” (according to ex-bandmate Alex James) will be launching a musical set in and around the music scene of Ladbroke Grove and covering 40 years life in multi-ethnic London. It sounds like the worst idea ever. But for some reason, everything Albarn touches turns to gold (and yes I have got over my teenage crush on him, thank you very much). He’s reinvented himself as a hip-hop producer, a world music star, and a hard rocker in the last decade, and if anyone’s going to revive the British musical, it’ll be him. Grab Your Thesaurus You’ve Pulled The capital’s Get London Reading Campaign got spicy this February with a series of "read-dating" events held at local libraries. Whitechapel, Southwark and Chelsea libraries hosted the events aimed at bringing London’s literary singletons together over a good book. Dep-ART-ment Store Takes the Biscuit Hungry shoppers were advised to head to Selfridges, this month, for the chance to devour Chinese artist Song Dong’s latest art installation. 72,000 biscuits and sweets – including Digestives, Rich Teas, Caramels and HobNobs - were used to create a detailed Asian cityscape. Customers of the department store were invited to consume the project after its completion. Cardiff 1, Wembley 0 Cardiff’s Millennium Stadium is to host this year’s FA Cup because the company building the new Wembley could not guarantee 100% completion in time. In January 2006 Multiplex warned that there was only a 70% chance of the 90,000-seat stadium being ready to stage the final. December 2008 23rd December January is on the Horizon 20th December Merry Christmas November 2008 26th November All The World's A Stage 20th November Surviving the Crunch October 2008 24th October Boris v Jingjing 17th October Soaps in Pole Position September 2008 23rd September Chips too Chavvy for Chelsea 16th September The London Restaurant Awards August 2008 26th August No Smoking, No Ducks, No Barbecues 20th August The Olympics July 2008 24th July Sandwiched Out 17th July The Show Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Lady's on Page 3 June 2008 26th June Love All at Wimbledon 16th June Miller Puts the Heat on Tennant May 2008 27th May Booze Banned on Buses 20th May Same Again? April 2008 23rd April By George 11th April Back to the 80s March 2008 28th March How do You Solve A Problem Like Medea? 20th March Flight Fantastic February 2008 20th February Dark, Satanic Turnmills 6th February A Diamond in the Drink January 2008 21st January People Wanted for Plinth 14th January Boo! Hiss! December 2007 28th December Tate That - A Hirst for Art 20th December Christmas Shopping November 2007 27th November Mind the Gap 26th November London On A Tray October 2007 26th October Leaving the Station 14th October The Sky's the Limit September 2007 26th September The Play Within A Play 19th September Fashion, Frocks and Celeb Shocks 12th September Saying Tanks for the Mammaries August 2007 24th August Heathrow under Siege 17th August Gormless 10th August Losing Face July 2007 24th July Are We Reaching Boiling Point Yet This Summer? 13th July Red Ken versus Blonde Boris June 2007 22nd June Last Orders at the Fag Machine 11th June London the Musical May 2007 21st May What Lurks Beneath 10th May The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of April 2007 27th April London’s Walk on the Wild Side 20th April Stand Behind the Yellow Line 13th April Like Water for Chocolate March 2007 23rd March So, Another Magazine 16th March Avoiding iContact February 2007 23rd February Sex and Art... 16th February C-Charge Protest Fails to Bring Down Government 9th February Live Earth London January 2007 26th January A Vote for Shilpa is a Vote for Britain 18th January Carriage on up the West End December 2006 29th December Food for Thought 22nd December A Poisonous Marketing Campaign 15th December In for a Penny, In for Five Pounds November 2006 17th November Big Department Stores Leave Santa Out in the Cold 10th November Failing to Save the World October 2006 27th October Frozen Prawns and Melting Icecaps 20th October Predatory Pelicans and Happy Woodland Folk 13th October Hope at last for east end of Oxford Street September 2006 16th September Lite the Blue Paper and Stand Well Back 9th September Of Poles and Twiglets August 2006 25th August Free Fares For the Fat and the Fashionable 11th August London Friendly 4th August Archway To Organic Heaven July 2006 21st July London - Celebrity Frat House 7th July Out of the Galleries into the Streets June 2006 23rd June Mayors, Nightmares and Marias 16th June Downright Rude in Paris and London 9th June Enter the Inferno May 2006 26th May Curvaceous Border 12th May Vegging Out April 2006 21st April The Camden Crawl 17th April Down the Pan 13th April I Want to Break Free 9th April Big Brother seems to have been left in a bar somewhere 7th April Don't Box Me In March 2006 24th March Political Correctness Reaches New Heights February 2006 24th February A Stadium's Tale: Cup Final Goes West 17th February Modern Musicals are Rubbish 10th February The City-Side Alliance January 2006 20th January February Sales 20th January Moby Sick 13th January Glass Half Full 3rd January Three Cheers for the Tube Station Workers December 2005 22nd December January Bites 16th December A Remarkable Year November 2005 25th November And a Partridge in a JCB 11th November Driving Miss Sadie 4th November Spam, Spam, Spammity-Spam, Shakespeare, Zorro, Chico and Rasputin October 2005 28th October Trick or Treat? 21st October We Don't Mind a Little Delay... 14th October Final Resting Place for Young British Artists September 2005 16th September Just a small urn for me, please barman 9th September DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!