Tuesday 6th January  14:09 pm Good Afternoon

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Nelson's Column February The City-Side Alliance 10th February 2006 Are cocks crowing in the city a cause for concern? Having been unceremoniously ejected from my nice and cosy Jubilee Line carriage at Baker Street, I find myself slumped grumpily on a 98 bus as it stumbles nervously along Oxford Street. Steeling myself, I valiantly attempt to resume my pre-work, mid-journey, commuter-style application of lash-lengthening mascara, interspersed with the occasional slurp of a skinny latte. Ten pot-holes, 43 cyclists, 4 speed humps and one emergency stop later I abandon aforementioned coffee ‘n’ cosmetic tasks in a bit to minimise slippage and spillage stains to both face and clothing. I’m a bit miffed at this crude disruption of my daily routine but decide to make the most of my prime, front seat, top deck, above ground, Oxford Street location by peering into every shop window I pass and performing a critical examination of the state of the window displays. After minutes of aimless gawping I decide to inject some form of structure into this pursuit and begin comparing and contrasting the varying shapes, sizes and positions of the decidedly anaemic collection of shop dummies with the aim of identifying the least biologically improbable. I’m rather getting into my role as ruthless mannequin examiner when a rather strange noise rouses me from my task… “Cock-a-doodle-dOO!” Suddenly I’m in a field, propped up against a haystack, a sprig of corn tucked nattily behind my ear. “Cock-a-doodle-dOO!” There it goes again and this time I’m catapulted into a Thomas Hardy novel, flouncing around a country churchyard in a flowing skirt with a basket full of rosy red apples on my arm. “Cock-a-doodle-dOO!” As the cock crows thrice I find myself wholeheartedly denying my top-deck location and am thrown ever deeper into my rural reverie. I’m about to mount a combine harvester and start… well, er, combine harvesting, when my brain (or what’s left of it) kicks in. You don’t get cocks crowing in central London. You don’t even get cocks crowing in central Hampstead (well not cockerels). I climb off my combine harvester and start examining the crowded pavements of Oxford Street for a large pigeon with great vocal projection and a talent for avian mimicry – the Rory Bremer of the bird world. No pigeon in sight. Then I realise this loud crowing, this ill-timed cockerel call, is coming from a fellow bus-passenger’s mobile phone. Extraordinary. I’m still querying this peculiar choice of ring-tone as I open up my copy of the day’s Metro. An article about Londoners being the country’s biggest buyers of 4 x 4 vehicles takes my eye. Apparently 16% of us living in the capital plan to acquire an off-road car in the next year. Now I begin to crow! What on earth for, I cock-a-doodle-dOO! in my head? To negotiate the dirt tracks of Notting Hill? To conquer the rough, jagged terrain of Primrose Hill? To mount the steep, swerving streets of Penge? 4 x 4s use more petrol, have bigger engines, give off more pollution and are more likely to kill you if they run into you. Nice. Add to this the fact that they are totally unnecessary in a city and you’ve got to agree with Ken Livingstone’s pronouncement that Londoners who drive them around the capital are “idiots!”. So we’ve got “Cock-a-doodle-doo!” ring-tones clogging up our ears, “Chelsea tractors" clogging up our streets – it’s almost like Londoners are trying to pretend the capital is some rural idyll and not the fantastic, frenzied, cramped, crowded and appropriately concreted capital city it undeniably is. True – it has some lovely sprawling parks and city farms, but however deeply you entrench yourself in these glorious green expanses you are still aware of their location in the heart of a beautifully, bustling city. This is what makes them so great. London is a city and a top city at that. Let’s celebrate its identity and not pretend we’re somewhere we’re not. Ditch the foul-themed ring tones and dump the 4x4s. Hop on a 98 bus, grab yourself a seat on the top deck, take a few minutes to glance along Oxford Street and remember where you are - in the heart of one of the best cities in the world. Besides who wants to live in the country? Far too dirty. “Cock-a-doodle-dOO!” Hang on, is that my phone…? Mace Polished Off The symbolising authority of the Kenyan Parliament – a valuable mace – has been taken out of the country and traced to London. The treasure – without which the Kenyan Parliament cannot sit – was flown to the UK capital for extra-special polishing at a cost of 2million Kenyan Shillings. The Criminal Investigations Department is investigating the way in which the mace left Parliament. Making Mincemeat of Picasso A Picasso valued at 2.5 million pounds lost out to the painting of a beef carcass at Christie's International which launched a week of London auctions this month. The meaty masterpiece was sold to a hungry telephone bidder for a record 7.8 million pounds while the Picasso remained unsold. Traditional Tunes for Tasteful Tots An opera written just for children opened at The Royal Opera House his month. The performance of ‘Gentle Giant’ is aimed at youngsters aged seven and up and will kick off a UK tour. Tickets will cost between £5 and £8. December 2008 23rd December January is on the Horizon 20th December Merry Christmas November 2008 26th November All The World's A Stage 20th November Surviving the Crunch October 2008 24th October Boris v Jingjing 17th October Soaps in Pole Position September 2008 23rd September Chips too Chavvy for Chelsea 16th September The London Restaurant Awards August 2008 26th August No Smoking, No Ducks, No Barbecues 20th August The Olympics July 2008 24th July Sandwiched Out 17th July The Show Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Lady's on Page 3 June 2008 26th June Love All at Wimbledon 16th June Miller Puts the Heat on Tennant May 2008 27th May Booze Banned on Buses 20th May Same Again? April 2008 23rd April By George 11th April Back to the 80s March 2008 28th March How do You Solve A Problem Like Medea? 20th March Flight Fantastic February 2008 20th February Dark, Satanic Turnmills 6th February A Diamond in the Drink January 2008 21st January People Wanted for Plinth 14th January Boo! Hiss! December 2007 28th December Tate That - A Hirst for Art 20th December Christmas Shopping November 2007 27th November Mind the Gap 26th November London On A Tray October 2007 26th October Leaving the Station 14th October The Sky's the Limit September 2007 26th September The Play Within A Play 19th September Fashion, Frocks and Celeb Shocks 12th September Saying Tanks for the Mammaries August 2007 24th August Heathrow under Siege 17th August Gormless 10th August Losing Face July 2007 24th July Are We Reaching Boiling Point Yet This Summer? 13th July Red Ken versus Blonde Boris June 2007 22nd June Last Orders at the Fag Machine 11th June London the Musical May 2007 21st May What Lurks Beneath 10th May The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of April 2007 27th April London’s Walk on the Wild Side 20th April Stand Behind the Yellow Line 13th April Like Water for Chocolate March 2007 23rd March So, Another Magazine 16th March Avoiding iContact February 2007 23rd February Sex and Art... 16th February C-Charge Protest Fails to Bring Down Government 9th February Live Earth London January 2007 26th January A Vote for Shilpa is a Vote for Britain 18th January Carriage on up the West End December 2006 29th December Food for Thought 22nd December A Poisonous Marketing Campaign 15th December In for a Penny, In for Five Pounds November 2006 17th November Big Department Stores Leave Santa Out in the Cold 10th November Failing to Save the World October 2006 27th October Frozen Prawns and Melting Icecaps 20th October Predatory Pelicans and Happy Woodland Folk 13th October Hope at last for east end of Oxford Street September 2006 16th September Lite the Blue Paper and Stand Well Back 9th September Of Poles and Twiglets August 2006 25th August Free Fares For the Fat and the Fashionable 11th August London Friendly 4th August Archway To Organic Heaven July 2006 21st July London - Celebrity Frat House 7th July Out of the Galleries into the Streets June 2006 23rd June Mayors, Nightmares and Marias 16th June Downright Rude in Paris and London 9th June Enter the Inferno May 2006 26th May Curvaceous Border 12th May Vegging Out April 2006 21st April The Camden Crawl 17th April Down the Pan 13th April I Want to Break Free 9th April Big Brother seems to have been left in a bar somewhere 7th April Don't Box Me In March 2006 24th March Political Correctness Reaches New Heights February 2006 24th February A Stadium's Tale: Cup Final Goes West 17th February Modern Musicals are Rubbish 10th February The City-Side Alliance January 2006 20th January February Sales 20th January Moby Sick 13th January Glass Half Full 3rd January Three Cheers for the Tube Station Workers December 2005 22nd December January Bites 16th December A Remarkable Year November 2005 25th November And a Partridge in a JCB 11th November Driving Miss Sadie 4th November Spam, Spam, Spammity-Spam, Shakespeare, Zorro, Chico and Rasputin October 2005 28th October Trick or Treat? 21st October We Don't Mind a Little Delay... 14th October Final Resting Place for Young British Artists