Nelson's Column
Link To Us Bookmark
June
Mayors, Nightmares and Marias 23rd June 2006
Simon Cowell and the two biggest jobs in London
Reality television is a wonderful thing, a true miracle of 21st century civilisation. Real human beings now live entirely in harmony with one another, all their bad and aggressive feelings happily steered away from their colleagues, acquaintances and former lovers and directed towards that plastic-boobed psycho Nikki from Big Brother.

But in the wrong hands, even the modern world’s finest creations can be used for evil. And right now, the benign power of reality TV is about to wreak untold damage in the hands of two hugely sinister figures: Andrew Lloyd Webber and David Cameron.

In spite of the fact that Webber last wrote a decent song when we had a socialist government (ask your parents), he has retained his iron grip on London’s theatreland through investing smartly in some excellent shows by other people. His latest wheeze is a stage production of ‘The sound of Music'. ‘Good idea!’ I hear you cry. ‘It’s the best musical ever. It’ll be amazing on the stage’.

Except... the role of Maria is to be cast by open audition and public vote. And we all know what that means. Transvestites! Enormous silicone implants! People who wobble every note and make mad breathy noises! I mean, I love Jade Goody as much as anyone, but if they let the public start text-messaging in their votes, she’d be a shoe-in, and I for one do not fancy having my memories of ‘The Hills are Alive…’ ruined by a gravel-voiced simpleton from Bermondsey, however entertaining she may be after three bottles of white wine.

And then there’s David Cameron, who went to Eton, and has probably never watched a reality TV show, or had a conversation with an ordinary Londoner other than “The Ritz, please, my good man. And there’s a shiny sovereign in it for you if I’m there in less than half an hour.”

He’s decided that the Tory candidate for London mayor will be decided by public vote, in an ‘X-Facor-style audition’. And we all know what that means. Transvestites! Enormous silicone implants! Giant slabs of testosterone and aggression with their brains in their biceps! I’m genuinely in favour of London having a Moslem mayor. I think it would do wonders for race relations. But I’m not sure that it should be Chico ‘What time is it?’ Slimani. He’d definitely win the public vote, and he’s a much better dancer than Ken, but I wouldn’t want him in charge of anything larger than a chorus line.

The only plus side to both of these horrors, is that they will make wonderful, wonderful television. I can’t wait to see Sharon Osbourne giving Anne Widdicombe a sisterly hug when she went out of the Tory candidate race. Or failed in her attempt to become the new Maria. Either way, I’m going to be glued to the box throughout, totally gripped and shuddering with fear.
Pool Gets Posh
Brockwell Park Lido in south London is set to get a £2.5 million re-vamp. The refurbishment of the Grade II listed building and its outdoor pool - affectionately known as “Brixton Beach” - will include a spa, sauna, fitness suite and hydrotherapy pool.
No more hotels in Park Lane
The London version of the classic board game Monopoly has been updated by games maker Parker with new locations and a more up-to-date, “scientific approach” to property prices. Venues now include Wapping, Primrose Hill and Brixton Hill, while Old Kent Road and Park Lane have been removed from the board. Selling at a bank-breaking £4m Kensington Palace Gardens has replaced Mayfair as the most expensive spot to buy.
Grim Designs
London’s Centrepoint tower is one of a number of buildings in the capital nominated as part of nationwide search for country’s worst designed buildings. The Commission for Architecture and the Built Environment launched the survey in a bit to draw attention to the costs of bad design.
October 2009
26th October
Posties Strike a Chord
26th October
Frieze Still Pleases
September 2009
26th September
A River Runs Through It
23rd September
Blogging is Best
August 2009
26th August
When Saturday comes
22nd August
Bring on the Bikes
July 2009
27th July
Against the Clock
20th July
View for a thrill
June 2009
May 2009
April 2009
March 2009
February 2009
18th February
New Photography Laws
12th February
Glitz and the Pitts
January 2009
27th January
Setting the Standard
21st January
Too Much for Posh Nosh?
December 2008
23rd December
January is on the Horizon
20th December
Merry Christmas
November 2008
26th November
All The World's A Stage
20th November
Surviving the Crunch
October 2008
24th October
Boris v Jingjing
17th October
Soaps in Pole Position
September 2008
August 2008
July 2008
June 2008
May 2008
April 2008
23rd April
By George
11th April
Back to the 80s
March 2008
February 2008
20th February
Dark, Satanic Turnmills
6th February
A Diamond in the Drink
January 2008
21st January
People Wanted for Plinth
14th January
Boo! Hiss!
December 2007
28th December
Tate That - A Hirst for Art
20th December
Christmas Shopping
November 2007
27th November
Mind the Gap
26th November
London On A Tray
October 2007
26th October
Leaving the Station
14th October
The Sky's the Limit
September 2007
August 2007
24th August
Heathrow under Siege
17th August
Gormless
10th August
Losing Face
July 2007
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
23rd March
So, Another Magazine
16th March
Avoiding iContact
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
26th May
Curvaceous Border
12th May
Vegging Out
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
20th January
February Sales
20th January
Moby Sick
13th January
Glass Half Full
3rd January
Three Cheers for the Tube Station Workers
December 2005
22nd December
January Bites
16th December
A Remarkable Year
November 2005
October 2005
September 2005
August 2005
July 2005
29th July
Moving On From 7/7
22nd July
Get loaded in the park
15th July
Victoire!!
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
January 2005
December 2004
30th December
Party Pooper
23rd December
The Second Battle of Trafalgar
16th December
Sadie's Year
November 2004
28th November
Ripper-Watch
21st November
Kinky Boots
14th November
Smoked out
October 2004
22nd October
Yuppie Meal
15th October
Fines of Fury
8th October
No Twist in the Turner
September 2004
17th September
Battleships, bloodsports and Batman
10th September
Clique Week
3rd September
Return of the Bard
August 2004
July 2004
 
Link to Mayors, Nightmares and Marias
To link to this page from your website use this code.
 
 
The link will appear on your page as:
 
Home | Contact us | Terms & Conditions | Link to us | Marketing | Partners | Subscriptions
Sponsor
Our favourite London hotels
May Fair Hotel
Luxury Hotels
 
In Trafalgar Square
20% off
 
At Liverpool Street
50% off
 
At Green Park
35% off
 
Near Covent Garden
30% off
 
Cavendish Hotel
Mid-range Hotels
 
Near Parliament
35% off
 
Near National Gallery
47% off
 
Near Tower Bridge
35% off
 
In Little Venice
40% off
 
Discounted theatre tickets
Chicago
57% off
 
29% off
 
42% off
 
56% off
 
47% off
 
38% off
 
Diner & Theatre Deals
Oliver
from £24.50
 
from £29.00
 
from £32.50
 
from £42.50
 
from £45.00
 
from £27.50
 
London Sightseeing
London Eye
10% off
 
10% off
 
10% off
 
from £8.50
 
from £25.00
 
10% off
 
LondonTown.com has special discounts every week. The amount of discount will vary depending on the dates you are coming and how far in advance you book. All discounts are subject to availability.
Recently viewed Favourites
Recently viewed