Wednesday 20th August  17:18 pm Good Afternoon

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Nelson's Column June Enter the Inferno 9th June 2006 Getting hot under the collar as the daily commute warms up. I nearly boiled over on the tube this morning after half an hour between Piccadilly Circus and Leicester Square. Not because of the inordinate delays but because of a story in the paper. Connex, the company which maintains the rails, has neglected to adjust the tracks for heat expansion, causing the lines to buckle. Connex made over £300 million last year but will be fined £1 million for every day the fiasco continues. Good. Indignant as this story made me, it hardly comes as a surprise. Every year the London Underground is threatened with total meltdown by warm weather, leaves on the line, or the wrong kind of rain. Our Victorian infrastructure simply cannot cope. And neither can the passengers. As the heat mounts and delays pile up, the cattle lose all sense of decorum, shouting, pushing and fainting. Last year saw the glorious advent of posters telling passengers how to behave in hot weather. Drink water, they counselled. If you feel hot, get off the tube. And if you really must throw up or pass out, have the common decency to stumble onto the platform first and save us any further delays. The truth is, travelling on a hot tube is hell and there is very little to be done. Desperate Mayor Ken Livingston offered a million pounds to any inventor who could ventilate the Northern Line. The reward remains unclaimed. How to survive as the heat rises and the pressure mounts? Those patronising adverts from Transport for London seem to spell out the attitude of ‘Customer Service’ – look after yourself. Standard TFL advice is to buy a bottle of water, or take a bus. Charming. Self help is certainly your best recourse in the daily commute. This reporter swears by a hand held battery fan which is also a good way to make friends of your sweating, panting neighbours. But what about a bit of help from above? Research reveals that as in London, most capital city transport systems are more concerned with advertising to their charges than looking after them. By far the best solutions are in Paris, Moscow and St Petersburg, where trains run fast, on time. It is much easier to keep cool if the end is in sight. In New York, Guardian Angels swap leathers for water pistols, sprays and rehydration packs in summer, but the Angels are hardly going to ride to the rescue in the UK. Hope comes from Santiago de Chile, the best run underground in the world and priced at 10p a journey. In summer they mount free water coolers on every platform. Advertisers pay for the machines and supply branded papers cups with their logos. Wouldn’t it be nice to see such a common sense idea applied in London? Dream on, fellow travellers – this is Britain. We don’t like clever foreigners telling us how to do things. Far better to sit and sweat in suffering silence. National Gallery Sees Major Shift in Art In an unprecedented move, The National Gallery is set to re-hang its main galleries to allow paintings by Spanish master Velazquez to be shown to their best advantage. Tickets for the UK’s first major exhibition of the Spanish master’s work went on sale this month. Highbury Goes Under the Hammer The fixtures and fittings of Highbury - Arsenal football club’s former stadium - stadium went on sale this month. Lots ranging from turnstiles to artificial plants and crockery are being auctioned off by internet site www.highburyauction.com. A new 60,000 seat Emirates stadium will host the club’s games from the next season. Stone Me One of London’s oldest relics - the London Stone - is set to get a new home. The limestone block is currently encased in a cage on the wall of a Cannon Street sports shop due for demolition. The ancient and mysterious artefact, alluded to by Shakespeare, William Blake and Dickens, is said to hold the fortunes of the city and will head to the Museum of London for safekeeping. July 2008 24th July Sandwiched Out 17th July The Show Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Lady's on Page 3 June 2008 26th June Love All at Wimbledon 16th June Miller Puts the Heat on Tennant May 2008 27th May Booze Banned on Buses 20th May Same Again? April 2008 23rd April By George 11th April Back to the 80s March 2008 28th March How do You Solve A Problem Like Medea? 20th March Flight Fantastic February 2008 20th February Dark, Satanic Turnmills 6th February A Diamond in the Drink January 2008 21st January People Wanted for Plinth 14th January Boo! Hiss! December 2007 28th December Tate That - A Hirst for Art 20th December Christmas Shopping November 2007 27th November Mind the Gap 26th November London On A Tray October 2007 26th October Leaving the Station 14th October The Sky's the Limit September 2007 26th September The Play Within A Play 19th September Fashion, Frocks and Celeb Shocks 12th September Saying Tanks for the Mammaries August 2007 24th August Heathrow under Siege 17th August Gormless 10th August Losing Face July 2007 24th July Are We Reaching Boiling Point Yet This Summer? 13th July Red Ken versus Blonde Boris June 2007 22nd June Last Orders at the Fag Machine 11th June London the Musical May 2007 21st May What Lurks Beneath 10th May The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of April 2007 27th April London’s Walk on the Wild Side 20th April Stand Behind the Yellow Line 13th April Like Water for Chocolate March 2007 23rd March So, Another Magazine 16th March Avoiding iContact February 2007 23rd February Sex and Art... 16th February C-Charge Protest Fails to Bring Down Government 9th February Live Earth London January 2007 26th January A Vote for Shilpa is a Vote for Britain 18th January Carriage on up the West End December 2006 29th December Food for Thought 22nd December A Poisonous Marketing Campaign 15th December In for a Penny, In for Five Pounds November 2006 17th November Big Department Stores Leave Santa Out in the Cold 10th November Failing to Save the World October 2006 27th October Frozen Prawns and Melting Icecaps 20th October Predatory Pelicans and Happy Woodland Folk 13th October Hope at last for east end of Oxford Street September 2006 16th September Lite the Blue Paper and Stand Well Back 9th September Of Poles and Twiglets August 2006 25th August Free Fares For the Fat and the Fashionable 11th August London Friendly 4th August Archway To Organic Heaven July 2006 21st July London - Celebrity Frat House 7th July Out of the Galleries into the Streets June 2006 23rd June Mayors, Nightmares and Marias 16th June Downright Rude in Paris and London 9th June Enter the Inferno May 2006 26th May Curvaceous Border 12th May Vegging Out April 2006 21st April The Camden Crawl 17th April Down the Pan 13th April I Want to Break Free 9th April Big Brother seems to have been left in a bar somewhere 7th April Don't Box Me In March 2006 24th March Political Correctness Reaches New Heights February 2006 24th February A Stadium's Tale: Cup Final Goes West 17th February Modern Musicals are Rubbish 10th February The City-Side Alliance January 2006 20th January February Sales 20th January Moby Sick 13th January Glass Half Full 3rd January Three Cheers for the Tube Station Workers December 2005 22nd December January Bites 16th December A Remarkable Year November 2005 25th November And a Partridge in a JCB 11th November Driving Miss Sadie 4th November Spam, Spam, Spammity-Spam, Shakespeare, Zorro, Chico and Rasputin October 2005 28th October Trick or Treat? 21st October We Don't Mind a Little Delay... 14th October Final Resting Place for Young British Artists September 2005 16th September Just a small urn for me, please barman 9th September DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! 2nd September The Free Tenor August 2005 30th August Samba Rhythms Breaking Out All Over The Stadium 20th August Getting Behind the Iron Farce 10th August Mystery Play is No Sell Out July 2005 29th July Moving On From 7/7 22nd July Get loaded in the park 15th July Victoire!! June 2005 24th June New Balls, Please 17th June The End of an Unsightly Era 10th June The Hooded Law