Saturday 6th September  20:57 pm Good Evening

on today on tomorrow other dates...

Nelson's Column December In for a Penny, In for Five Pounds 15th December 2006 The future of public lavatories touches down in Oxford Street A good friend of mine once wet herself in the Oxford Circus branch of Topshop: completely true story. She’s a bright, healthy, mentally stable, twenty-nine-year-old theatre director, with no history of bladder problems. She was having a frantic day of Christmas shopping, there was no way she was going to use any public toilet in Soho or Oxford Street, and suddenly, right in front of the big screen on the second floor, it just… happened. She regards it as karma for the amount of time she spends obsessing over fashion. She will be delighted to learn that London’s most expensive toilet has just opened on Oxford Street. It’s called WC1 (ho ho), and costs a fiver for the privilege, but what you get for the price of three Primark handbags is 19 luxury loos, with a bouncer-guarded marble-floored reception area, fresh flowers, scented candles and soothing music. This is a only a couple of quid more expensive than the usual performance of going to Starbucks, buying a disgusting muffin, pretending to eat it for two minutes, and then joining the immense queue for their deeply unsatisfactory facilities (they must know that 90% of their customers are only there for one thing, so would it really hurt to give that thing a wipe and a squirt of bleach a few times a day?). However, the arrival of the designer WC does offer a monstrous vision of the future. Just as the places you buy your food have become a defining fashion choice in the past few years, I fear we may find the same happening to the places you go after you’ve eaten it. I see The King’s Road dominated by monstrous £100-a-pop palaces of pooping where the Chelsea team’s WAGs can do their business on diamond-studded Dolce and Gabbana thrones. Jokey 80s-themed loos with ironic soundtracks and names like ‘Faecal Attraction’ will pop up all over Shoreditch. Perhaps the ethnophillic folk of north London will have authentic, organic, pay-what-you-can-afford Calcutta crappers dug into the heart of their high streets, while the bogs on Bond Street will have seats that are ergonomically designed to make you feel fat no matter how much you weigh - just like the shop assistants and clothes there. Of course, the fashion minefield involved in picking your pissoir will make any use of Starbucks simply impossible, and we’ll see many more puddles on Topshop’s floor in years to come. Sounds of the Underground Commuter rage could be on the way out thanks to Napster’s list of 10 songs most likely to calm frenzied travellers. From ‘Tubular Bells’ to ‘Tabula Rasa’ the tranquil tunes identified by Dr Dai Griffiths, a lecturer in musicology at Oxford Brookes University, were selected from Napster’s online library. With its “unexpectedly drawn-out chord ¬sequences”, Svefn-G-Englar by Sigur Rós was singled out as the most relaxing track. Seasonal Scents Wise men (Scientists from the Royal Society of Chemistry) heading for The Star (a boozer in Belgravia) surprised regular punters with their gifts of frankincense and myrrh in a bid to test the drinkers’ ability to recognise the seasonal substances. Only one punter identified the gifts - widely used in perfumes and toothpaste - from the edible chunks handed to mark the 100th anniversary of the Royal Society's first scientific analysis. Scott Free A dispute over sound-proofing and a subsequent delay in the issuing of a licence has led to Mayfair fish restaurant, Scott’s, dishing up free food and drink to its diners since its opening. Rather than close down, the eatery has decided to honour its bookings, worth over £350,000. August 2008 26th August No Smoking, No Ducks, No Barbecues 20th August The Olympics July 2008 24th July Sandwiched Out 17th July The Show Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Lady's on Page 3 June 2008 26th June Love All at Wimbledon 16th June Miller Puts the Heat on Tennant May 2008 27th May Booze Banned on Buses 20th May Same Again? April 2008 23rd April By George 11th April Back to the 80s March 2008 28th March How do You Solve A Problem Like Medea? 20th March Flight Fantastic February 2008 20th February Dark, Satanic Turnmills 6th February A Diamond in the Drink January 2008 21st January People Wanted for Plinth 14th January Boo! Hiss! December 2007 28th December Tate That - A Hirst for Art 20th December Christmas Shopping November 2007 27th November Mind the Gap 26th November London On A Tray October 2007 26th October Leaving the Station 14th October The Sky's the Limit September 2007 26th September The Play Within A Play 19th September Fashion, Frocks and Celeb Shocks 12th September Saying Tanks for the Mammaries August 2007 24th August Heathrow under Siege 17th August Gormless 10th August Losing Face July 2007 24th July Are We Reaching Boiling Point Yet This Summer? 13th July Red Ken versus Blonde Boris June 2007 22nd June Last Orders at the Fag Machine 11th June London the Musical May 2007 21st May What Lurks Beneath 10th May The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of April 2007 27th April London’s Walk on the Wild Side 20th April Stand Behind the Yellow Line 13th April Like Water for Chocolate March 2007 23rd March So, Another Magazine 16th March Avoiding iContact February 2007 23rd February Sex and Art... 16th February C-Charge Protest Fails to Bring Down Government 9th February Live Earth London January 2007 26th January A Vote for Shilpa is a Vote for Britain 18th January Carriage on up the West End December 2006 29th December Food for Thought 22nd December A Poisonous Marketing Campaign 15th December In for a Penny, In for Five Pounds November 2006 17th November Big Department Stores Leave Santa Out in the Cold 10th November Failing to Save the World October 2006 27th October Frozen Prawns and Melting Icecaps 20th October Predatory Pelicans and Happy Woodland Folk 13th October Hope at last for east end of Oxford Street September 2006 16th September Lite the Blue Paper and Stand Well Back 9th September Of Poles and Twiglets August 2006 25th August Free Fares For the Fat and the Fashionable 11th August London Friendly 4th August Archway To Organic Heaven July 2006 21st July London - Celebrity Frat House 7th July Out of the Galleries into the Streets June 2006 23rd June Mayors, Nightmares and Marias 16th June Downright Rude in Paris and London 9th June Enter the Inferno May 2006 26th May Curvaceous Border 12th May Vegging Out April 2006 21st April The Camden Crawl 17th April Down the Pan 13th April I Want to Break Free 9th April Big Brother seems to have been left in a bar somewhere 7th April Don't Box Me In March 2006 24th March Political Correctness Reaches New Heights February 2006 24th February A Stadium's Tale: Cup Final Goes West 17th February Modern Musicals are Rubbish 10th February The City-Side Alliance January 2006 20th January February Sales 20th January Moby Sick 13th January Glass Half Full 3rd January Three Cheers for the Tube Station Workers December 2005 22nd December January Bites 16th December A Remarkable Year November 2005 25th November And a Partridge in a JCB 11th November Driving Miss Sadie 4th November Spam, Spam, Spammity-Spam, Shakespeare, Zorro, Chico and Rasputin October 2005 28th October Trick or Treat? 21st October We Don't Mind a Little Delay... 14th October Final Resting Place for Young British Artists September 2005 16th September Just a small urn for me, please barman 9th September DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! 2nd September The Free Tenor August 2005 30th August Samba Rhythms Breaking Out All Over The Stadium 20th August Getting Behind the Iron Farce 10th August Mystery Play is No Sell Out July 2005 29th July Moving On From 7/7 22nd July Get loaded in the park 15th July Victoire!! June 2005 24th June New Balls, Please