Wednesday 20th August  17:53 pm Good Afternoon

on today on tomorrow other dates...

Nelson's Column January Carriage on up the West End 18th January 2007 Should Westminster Council be taking us back in time? Hooray! The horse-drawn cart is to make its West End comeback. Westminster Council have announced they’ll be accepting applications from sightseeing operators to manage horse-led tours through the borough’s narrow streets. Livestock haven’t been seen on the streets of Westminster for over 70 years, since they were banned to allay congestion. Well, the powers that be seem to think that the benefit to the tourist industry will outweigh road rage. Apart from my childhood forays to Pony Club camp, my personal experience of horses extends only as far as a jaunt around the Slovenian capital, Ljubljana, in one of these tourist traps (ha ha). And I must say what jolly good fun it was – sun shining down, fresh air in my face, I imagined myself as a particularly beautiful, intelligent member of the Austro-Hungarian aristocracy on my way to a society ball… Well, I am only too happy to help deluded visitors to our capital fulfil their bizarre historical power fantasies. I can already see passengers in these horse-drawn vehicles slipping dreamily into the roles of Sherlock Holmes, Dickens or some bygone King or Queen. Tourists love our history, so, let’s give them a naff, olden way to get around. So that got me thinking – why not do away with London’s motorised transport altogether? We could solve many of the city’s pollution and environmental problems in one fell swoop. As we’ve established, tourists would lap it up, thousands more Polish professionals could find menial labour as stable hands and coachmen, plus it would be great fun. Of course, there are two sides to every coin; London would be perennially covered in horse shit (suitable fuel for a biomass power station perchance?) and the roads would be utter chaos, as cabbies tried to reacquaint themselves with a life of livestock and whips and without satellite navigation. They don’t cover everything in the Knowledge, you know. Imagine the minicab offices – dilapidated looking stables in the wrong part of town, a few nags tied up outside who really should have been put out to pasture long ago. There’s also the problem of numbers – the city currently has two and a half million cars in circulation so an equal quantity of horses would have to be found, shoed and trained. Not to mention that every single park, garden and green space would have to be given over to stables or grazing. So, however attractive it might sound, maybe the equestrianisation of London on a grand scale just isn’t practical. Bringing back the past just can’t work. What’s more it might start a trend: once the coach and horses revolution had gone through there could be a clamour to reinstate public hangings, the Black Death and rotten slums. That said I wouldn’t mind stopping off for a drink at a gin palace – they sound so much more glam than your common-or-garden bar, don’t they? And you never know - unknowing tourists might pay an erroneous visit, hoping to spot some royalty! Treasury to foot Olympian Bill With the projected costs of the 2012 London Olympics rising by £900 million, from £2.4 to £3.3 billion, a cross-party committee has recommended that the Treasury, not the city’s taxpayers, should foot the bill. Reassuringly, the original estimate was compiled without taking into account VAT or inflation. Girl Power at the Tower This summer the Tower of London will welcome the first woman Beefeater in the guards’ 522-year history. Moira Cameron, 42, from Argyll, joined the army at 16 and has therefore completed the 22-years army service necessary to qualify for this distinguished position. As well as the distinctive £1000 uniform and the honour of guarding the Crown Jewels, she will enjoy a subsidised flat inside the Tower. The Breast Cleaners in Putney Government-backed website, Jobcentre Plus, has been advertising the position of topless cleaner to jobseekers in Putney. The ad sought "enthusiastic, open-minded people" keen to work 10-20 hours a week for £15 per hour, no experience required. It eventually had to be removed from their online service due to a huge response rate. July 2008 24th July Sandwiched Out 17th July The Show Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Lady's on Page 3 June 2008 26th June Love All at Wimbledon 16th June Miller Puts the Heat on Tennant May 2008 27th May Booze Banned on Buses 20th May Same Again? April 2008 23rd April By George 11th April Back to the 80s March 2008 28th March How do You Solve A Problem Like Medea? 20th March Flight Fantastic February 2008 20th February Dark, Satanic Turnmills 6th February A Diamond in the Drink January 2008 21st January People Wanted for Plinth 14th January Boo! Hiss! December 2007 28th December Tate That - A Hirst for Art 20th December Christmas Shopping November 2007 27th November Mind the Gap 26th November London On A Tray October 2007 26th October Leaving the Station 14th October The Sky's the Limit September 2007 26th September The Play Within A Play 19th September Fashion, Frocks and Celeb Shocks 12th September Saying Tanks for the Mammaries August 2007 24th August Heathrow under Siege 17th August Gormless 10th August Losing Face July 2007 24th July Are We Reaching Boiling Point Yet This Summer? 13th July Red Ken versus Blonde Boris June 2007 22nd June Last Orders at the Fag Machine 11th June London the Musical May 2007 21st May What Lurks Beneath 10th May The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of April 2007 27th April London’s Walk on the Wild Side 20th April Stand Behind the Yellow Line 13th April Like Water for Chocolate March 2007 23rd March So, Another Magazine 16th March Avoiding iContact February 2007 23rd February Sex and Art... 16th February C-Charge Protest Fails to Bring Down Government 9th February Live Earth London January 2007 26th January A Vote for Shilpa is a Vote for Britain 18th January Carriage on up the West End December 2006 29th December Food for Thought 22nd December A Poisonous Marketing Campaign 15th December In for a Penny, In for Five Pounds November 2006 17th November Big Department Stores Leave Santa Out in the Cold 10th November Failing to Save the World October 2006 27th October Frozen Prawns and Melting Icecaps 20th October Predatory Pelicans and Happy Woodland Folk 13th October Hope at last for east end of Oxford Street September 2006 16th September Lite the Blue Paper and Stand Well Back 9th September Of Poles and Twiglets August 2006 25th August Free Fares For the Fat and the Fashionable 11th August London Friendly 4th August Archway To Organic Heaven July 2006 21st July London - Celebrity Frat House 7th July Out of the Galleries into the Streets June 2006 23rd June Mayors, Nightmares and Marias 16th June Downright Rude in Paris and London 9th June Enter the Inferno May 2006 26th May Curvaceous Border 12th May Vegging Out April 2006 21st April The Camden Crawl 17th April Down the Pan 13th April I Want to Break Free 9th April Big Brother seems to have been left in a bar somewhere 7th April Don't Box Me In March 2006 24th March Political Correctness Reaches New Heights February 2006 24th February A Stadium's Tale: Cup Final Goes West 17th February Modern Musicals are Rubbish 10th February The City-Side Alliance January 2006 20th January February Sales 20th January Moby Sick 13th January Glass Half Full 3rd January Three Cheers for the Tube Station Workers December 2005 22nd December January Bites 16th December A Remarkable Year November 2005 25th November And a Partridge in a JCB 11th November Driving Miss Sadie 4th November Spam, Spam, Spammity-Spam, Shakespeare, Zorro, Chico and Rasputin October 2005 28th October Trick or Treat? 21st October We Don't Mind a Little Delay... 14th October Final Resting Place for Young British Artists September 2005 16th September Just a small urn for me, please barman 9th September DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! 2nd September The Free Tenor August 2005 30th August Samba Rhythms Breaking Out All Over The Stadium 20th August Getting Behind the Iron Farce 10th August Mystery Play is No Sell Out July 2005 29th July Moving On From 7/7 22nd July Get loaded in the park 15th July Victoire!! June 2005 24th June New Balls, Please 17th June The End of an Unsightly Era 10th June The Hooded Law