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January
Carriage on up the West End 18th January 2007
Should Westminster Council be taking us back in time?
Hooray! The horse-drawn cart is to make its West End comeback. Westminster Council have announced they’ll be accepting applications from sightseeing operators to manage horse-led tours through the borough’s narrow streets. Livestock haven’t been seen on the streets of Westminster for over 70 years, since they were banned to allay congestion. Well, the powers that be seem to think that the benefit to the tourist industry will outweigh road rage.

Apart from my childhood forays to Pony Club camp, my personal experience of horses extends only as far as a jaunt around the Slovenian capital, Ljubljana, in one of these tourist traps (ha ha). And I must say what jolly good fun it was – sun shining down, fresh air in my face, I imagined myself as a particularly beautiful, intelligent member of the Austro-Hungarian aristocracy on my way to a society ball… Well, I am only too happy to help deluded visitors to our capital fulfil their bizarre historical power fantasies. I can already see passengers in these horse-drawn vehicles slipping dreamily into the roles of Sherlock Holmes, Dickens or some bygone King or Queen. Tourists love our history, so, let’s give them a naff, olden way to get around.

So that got me thinking – why not do away with London’s motorised transport altogether? We could solve many of the city’s pollution and environmental problems in one fell swoop. As we’ve established, tourists would lap it up, thousands more Polish professionals could find menial labour as stable hands and coachmen, plus it would be great fun.

Of course, there are two sides to every coin; London would be perennially covered in horse shit (suitable fuel for a biomass power station perchance?) and the roads would be utter chaos, as cabbies tried to reacquaint themselves with a life of livestock and whips and without satellite navigation. They don’t cover everything in the Knowledge, you know. Imagine the minicab offices – dilapidated looking stables in the wrong part of town, a few nags tied up outside who really should have been put out to pasture long ago.

There’s also the problem of numbers – the city currently has two and a half million cars in circulation so an equal quantity of horses would have to be found, shoed and trained. Not to mention that every single park, garden and green space would have to be given over to stables or grazing.

So, however attractive it might sound, maybe the equestrianisation of London on a grand scale just isn’t practical. Bringing back the past just can’t work. What’s more it might start a trend: once the coach and horses revolution had gone through there could be a clamour to reinstate public hangings, the Black Death and rotten slums. That said I wouldn’t mind stopping off for a drink at a gin palace – they sound so much more glam than your common-or-garden bar, don’t they? And you never know - unknowing tourists might pay an erroneous visit, hoping to spot some royalty!
Treasury to foot Olympian Bill
With the projected costs of the 2012 London Olympics rising by £900 million, from £2.4 to £3.3 billion, a cross-party committee has recommended that the Treasury, not the city’s taxpayers, should foot the bill. Reassuringly, the original estimate was compiled without taking into account VAT or inflation.
Girl Power at the Tower
This summer the Tower of London will welcome the first woman Beefeater in the guards’ 522-year history. Moira Cameron, 42, from Argyll, joined the army at 16 and has therefore completed the 22-years army service necessary to qualify for this distinguished position. As well as the distinctive £1000 uniform and the honour of guarding the Crown Jewels, she will enjoy a subsidised flat inside the Tower.
The Breast Cleaners in Putney
Government-backed website, Jobcentre Plus, has been advertising the position of topless cleaner to jobseekers in Putney. The ad sought "enthusiastic, open-minded people" keen to work 10-20 hours a week for £15 per hour, no experience required. It eventually had to be removed from their online service due to a huge response rate.
October 2009
26th October
Posties Strike a Chord
26th October
Frieze Still Pleases
September 2009
26th September
A River Runs Through It
23rd September
Blogging is Best
August 2009
26th August
When Saturday comes
22nd August
Bring on the Bikes
July 2009
27th July
Against the Clock
20th July
View for a thrill
June 2009
May 2009
April 2009
March 2009
February 2009
18th February
New Photography Laws
12th February
Glitz and the Pitts
January 2009
27th January
Setting the Standard
21st January
Too Much for Posh Nosh?
December 2008
23rd December
January is on the Horizon
20th December
Merry Christmas
November 2008
26th November
All The World's A Stage
20th November
Surviving the Crunch
October 2008
24th October
Boris v Jingjing
17th October
Soaps in Pole Position
September 2008
August 2008
July 2008
June 2008
May 2008
April 2008
23rd April
By George
11th April
Back to the 80s
March 2008
February 2008
20th February
Dark, Satanic Turnmills
6th February
A Diamond in the Drink
January 2008
21st January
People Wanted for Plinth
14th January
Boo! Hiss!
December 2007
28th December
Tate That - A Hirst for Art
20th December
Christmas Shopping
November 2007
27th November
Mind the Gap
26th November
London On A Tray
October 2007
26th October
Leaving the Station
14th October
The Sky's the Limit
September 2007
August 2007
24th August
Heathrow under Siege
17th August
Gormless
10th August
Losing Face
July 2007
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
23rd March
So, Another Magazine
16th March
Avoiding iContact
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
26th May
Curvaceous Border
12th May
Vegging Out
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
20th January
February Sales
20th January
Moby Sick
13th January
Glass Half Full
3rd January
Three Cheers for the Tube Station Workers
December 2005
22nd December
January Bites
16th December
A Remarkable Year
November 2005
October 2005
September 2005
August 2005
July 2005
29th July
Moving On From 7/7
22nd July
Get loaded in the park
15th July
Victoire!!
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
January 2005
December 2004
30th December
Party Pooper
23rd December
The Second Battle of Trafalgar
16th December
Sadie's Year
November 2004
28th November
Ripper-Watch
21st November
Kinky Boots
14th November
Smoked out
October 2004
22nd October
Yuppie Meal
15th October
Fines of Fury
8th October
No Twist in the Turner
September 2004
17th September
Battleships, bloodsports and Batman
10th September
Clique Week
3rd September
Return of the Bard
August 2004
July 2004
 
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