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Nelson's Column
February
C-Charge Protest Fails to Bring Down Government 16th February 2007
But who are these people who claim to use their cars in Central London?
Ha! Ha! Ha! Do you know how many people turned up for the demonstration against the C-Charge Zone Expansion, after literally tens of thousands of words of anguished editorial in the right-wing press? One hundred and fifty. That’s two-hundred-and-fifty less than turned up for a pillow fight in Trafalgar square last Christmas, a hundred less than have signed up for a Petition on the Number 10 website to ‘improve letter boxes’ (no more details given. Your guess is as good as mine), and only a couple more than came to the dreadful, dreadful New Year’s Eve party I was obliged to attend this year.

Driving anywhere in London is like walking in the countryside: it might seem like a good idea, but it always takes at least nine times as long as you’d expect, and leaves you crippled with fury at dead ends, aggressive locals and incomprehensible maps. If Londoners are in a hurry, they get the tube. If we want to enjoy a journey, we hop on a double-decker bus – very nippy in these post C-Charge days - or into a black cab. But we all know better than to drive.

Which begs the question of who these hundred-and-fifty protestors were. Some four or five, I have no doubt, are people whose livelihood is genuinely threatened by the new zone. Several more, I would guess, were journalists from the area, hoping for a scoop, and incidentally furious that they were going to have to pay if they wanted to drive to the organic butcher’s at 12:15, when everyone else in the country was at work.

But I suspect that most of them were people who live just beyond the fringes of K & C, but have always claimed their homes were ‘just off King Street’, ‘oh, I’m a real Notting Hillbilly, mwah, mwah’ or ‘up the road from Chelsea harbour’, and are now furious that those big red ‘C’ symbols on the road prove that they live in dull Hammersmith, dirty Shepherd’s Bush or crack-happy Kensal Rise.

My apologies to anyone whose life has genuinely been spoiled by the C-Charge, but let the rest of you raise a cheer to Ken for adding a whole extra level to postcode-snobbery.
Tate Modern is Worse than Blackpool
With a 21% increase in visitor numbers since 2005, Tate Modern is now the second most visited venue in the country. 4.9m visitors during 2006 make the Bankside modern art gallery second only to the Blackpool Pleasure Beach with its annual scoop of 5.6 million.
Hampstead Heathens Stop the Music
Kenwood House’s popular summer concert series has been cancelled this year following complaints from local residents. Concerns over noise and traffic increase led to English Heritage’s decision to halt the event which usually attracts over 60,000 yearly visitors.
Last Orders for London's Boozers
London’s pub population is on the decrease with an average of five watering holes closing down each week. The capital lost 230 inns in 2006 – a 53% increase on the previous year – a trend which seems set to continue.
July 2008
24th July
Sandwiched Out
17th July
The Show Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Lady's on Page 3
June 2008
26th June
Love All at Wimbledon
16th June
Miller Puts the Heat on Tennant
May 2008
27th May
Booze Banned on Buses
20th May
Same Again?
April 2008
23rd April
By George
11th April
Back to the 80s
March 2008
28th March
How do You Solve A Problem Like Medea?
20th March
Flight Fantastic
February 2008
20th February
Dark, Satanic Turnmills
6th February
A Diamond in the Drink
January 2008
21st January
People Wanted for Plinth
14th January
Boo! Hiss!
December 2007
28th December
Tate That - A Hirst for Art
20th December
Christmas Shopping
November 2007
27th November
Mind the Gap
26th November
London On A Tray
October 2007
26th October
Leaving the Station
14th October
The Sky's the Limit
September 2007
26th September
The Play Within A Play
19th September
Fashion, Frocks and Celeb Shocks
12th September
Saying Tanks for the Mammaries
August 2007
24th August
Heathrow under Siege
17th August
Gormless
10th August
Losing Face
July 2007
24th July
Are We Reaching Boiling Point Yet This Summer?
13th July
Red Ken versus Blonde Boris
June 2007
22nd June
Last Orders at the Fag Machine
11th June
London the Musical
May 2007
21st May
What Lurks Beneath
10th May
The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of
April 2007
27th April
London’s Walk on the Wild Side
20th April
Stand Behind the Yellow Line
13th April
Like Water for Chocolate
March 2007
23rd March
So, Another Magazine
16th March
Avoiding iContact
February 2007
23rd February
Sex and Art...
16th February
C-Charge Protest Fails to Bring Down Government
9th February
Live Earth London
January 2007
26th January
A Vote for Shilpa is a Vote for Britain
18th January
Carriage on up the West End
December 2006
29th December
Food for Thought
22nd December
A Poisonous Marketing Campaign
15th December
In for a Penny, In for Five Pounds
November 2006
17th November
Big Department Stores Leave Santa Out in the Cold
10th November
Failing to Save the World
October 2006
27th October
Frozen Prawns and Melting Icecaps
20th October
Predatory Pelicans and Happy Woodland Folk
13th October
Hope at last for east end of Oxford Street
September 2006
16th September
Lite the Blue Paper and Stand Well Back
9th September
Of Poles and Twiglets
August 2006
25th August
Free Fares For the Fat and the Fashionable
11th August
London Friendly
4th August
Archway To Organic Heaven
July 2006
21st July
London - Celebrity Frat House
7th July
Out of the Galleries into the Streets
June 2006
23rd June
Mayors, Nightmares and Marias
16th June
Downright Rude in Paris and London
9th June
Enter the Inferno
May 2006
26th May
Curvaceous Border
12th May
Vegging Out
April 2006
21st April
The Camden Crawl
17th April
Down the Pan
13th April
I Want to Break Free
9th April
Big Brother seems to have been left in a bar somewhere
7th April
Don't Box Me In
March 2006
24th March
Political Correctness Reaches New Heights
February 2006
24th February
A Stadium's Tale: Cup Final Goes West
17th February
Modern Musicals are Rubbish
10th February
The City-Side Alliance
January 2006
20th January
February Sales
20th January
Moby Sick
13th January
Glass Half Full
3rd January
Three Cheers for the Tube Station Workers
December 2005
22nd December
January Bites
16th December
A Remarkable Year
November 2005
25th November
And a Partridge in a JCB
11th November
Driving Miss Sadie
4th November
Spam, Spam, Spammity-Spam, Shakespeare, Zorro, Chico and Rasputin
October 2005
28th October
Trick or Treat?
21st October
We Don't Mind a Little Delay...
14th October
Final Resting Place for Young British Artists
September 2005
16th September
Just a small urn for me, please barman
9th September
DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!
2nd September
The Free Tenor
August 2005
30th August
Samba Rhythms Breaking Out All Over The Stadium
20th August
Getting Behind the Iron Farce
10th August
Mystery Play is No Sell Out
July 2005
29th July
Moving On From 7/7
22nd July
Get loaded in the park
15th July
Victoire!!
June 2005
24th June
New Balls, Please
17th June
The End of an Unsightly Era
10th June
The Hooded Law
May 2005
31st May