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March
Avoiding iContact 16th March 2007
The Tube network gets its own social network
While I must confess to being as hooked on Facebook as everybody else, I still find the social networking phenomenon slightly disturbing. When I started receiving abusive messages about an article I’d written (on the subject of South London, and clearly intended to be taken ironically) it occurred to me that you have to be VERY careful indeed. A group of artist friends of mine are currently engaged in a project where they are stalking some poor teenager in Iowa, creating a completely false network of friends using fake Myspace pages and doctored photos, using the information on her site to insinuate themselves into her life.

And this week, I discovered a social networking website of such jaw-dropping stupidity that I felt obliged to sign up immediately (under a false name, of course). Have you ever had the experience of finding yourself on the same tube carriage as somebody you half know and don’t really like, but are obliged to make polite chit-chat with for an entire 40-minute journey? Well, the catchily named Onthesametrack.co.uk offers you the unique chance to do that EVERY SINGLE DAY.

That’s right! It’s a social networking website where you can meet people travelling on the same commute as you. You can even specify a carriage, or spot on the platform where you’ll be standing, just to make absolutely certain you never get to read your book in peace again.

So far, browsing the site, it seems to be absolutely infested with the people you most hate to travel with. The woman who stands blocking off the corridor between the seats, and tuts loudly when you push past? She’s there, and looking angrier than ever. The guy in a white Carhaart jacket who sings along to his iPod? He’s even listed all his favourite music on the site, as if you hadn’t heard it already. Oh, and remember that bloke whose hand always accidentally presses against your bottom in the rush hour crush? Well, he was the first to sign up. He’s wondering if you’d like to go for a drink sometime.

For that’s the thing that makes Onthesametrack not just bad, but surreally awful: it’s also a dating website. Somebody should explain to these people that a successful blind date is seldom improved by going to work together the next morning; and if you hate each other, you’ll really hate sharing a carriage every day for the next two years.

My worry is that if the loathsome cretins who have signed up for this site start making friends with each other on the Tube, they might try to make friends with me. Imagine a carriage where all the most irritating passengers are chatting merrily away, or whispering sweet nothings surrounded by a post-coital glow. What if they started breeding? The trains might soon become full of their dismal banter.

If we wanted to talk to our fellow passengers, we’d talk to them. As it is, we don’t even make eye contact – and there are good reasons for this. I say we track down everybody who’s signed up for this insidious website (they won’t be hard to find, after all), confiscate their Oyster cards, and then we can finally travel in absolute quiet, undisturbed by contact with our fellow Londoners.
Wembley Warm-up
Football fans, keen to witness the new Wembley Stadium host its first competitive match, paid up to £500 on eBay for tickets to watch the friendly between England and Italy’s Under 21s on March 24th. The 60,000-strong crowd saw the two teams draw 3-3 in a test fixture that heralds the stadium’s long-awaited FA Cup final on the 19th May.
Waterloo and Chatty
Passengers on London’s Waterloo & City line will be able to use their mobile phones on platforms and in tunnels as of April next year. Transport for London unveiled the 6-month pilot scheme which, if successful, will be extended to all lines along with wireless internet access and DAB radio.
Take That Take on West End
First Abba, then Queen, now Take That - the Brit Award-winning boy band have been chosen as the latest inspiration for a new West End musical. Following the fictional story of a Take That tribute band, ‘Never Forget’ will include classics such as ‘Relight my Fire’, ‘Back for Good’ and ‘Babe’.
2009
2008
23rd December
January is on the Horizon
20th December
Merry Christmas
26th November
All The World's A Stage
20th November
Surviving the Crunch
24th October
Boris v Jingjing
17th October
Soaps in Pole Position
23rd September
Chips too Chavvy for Chelsea
16th September
The London Restaurant Awards
26th August
No Smoking, No Ducks, No Barbecues
20th August
The Olympics
24th July
Sandwiched Out
17th July
The Show Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Lady's on Page 3
26th June
Love All at Wimbledon
16th June
Miller Puts the Heat on Tennant
27th May
Booze Banned on Buses
20th May
Same Again?
23rd April
By George
11th April
Back to the 80s
28th March
How do You Solve A Problem Like Medea?
20th March
Flight Fantastic
20th February
Dark, Satanic Turnmills
6th February
A Diamond in the Drink
21st January
People Wanted for Plinth
14th January
Boo! Hiss!
2007
28th December
Tate That - A Hirst for Art
20th December
Christmas Shopping
27th November
Mind the Gap
26th November
London On A Tray
26th October
Leaving the Station
14th October
The Sky's the Limit
26th September
The Play Within A Play
19th September
Fashion, Frocks and Celeb Shocks
12th September
Saying Tanks for the Mammaries
24th August
Heathrow under Siege
17th August
Gormless
10th August
Losing Face
24th July
Are We Reaching Boiling Point Yet This Summer?
13th July
Red Ken versus Blonde Boris
22nd June
Last Orders at the Fag Machine
11th June
London the Musical
21st May
What Lurks Beneath
10th May
The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of
27th April
London’s Walk on the Wild Side
20th April
Stand Behind the Yellow Line
13th April
Like Water for Chocolate
23rd March
So, Another Magazine
16th March
Avoiding iContact
23rd February
Sex and Art...
16th February
C-Charge Protest Fails to Bring Down Government
9th February
Live Earth London
26th January
A Vote for Shilpa is a Vote for Britain
18th January
Carriage on up the West End
2006
29th December
Food for Thought
22nd December
A Poisonous Marketing Campaign
15th December
In for a Penny, In for Five Pounds
17th November
Big Department Stores Leave Santa Out in the Cold
10th November
Failing to Save the World
27th October
Frozen Prawns and Melting Icecaps
20th October
Predatory Pelicans and Happy Woodland Folk
13th October
Hope at last for east end of Oxford Street
16th September
Lite the Blue Paper and Stand Well Back
9th September
Of Poles and Twiglets
25th August
Free Fares For the Fat and the Fashionable
11th August
London Friendly
4th August
Archway To Organic Heaven
21st July
London - Celebrity Frat House
7th July
Out of the Galleries into the Streets
23rd June
Mayors, Nightmares and Marias
16th June
Downright Rude in Paris and London
9th June
Enter the Inferno
26th May
Curvaceous Border
12th May
Vegging Out
21st April
The Camden Crawl
17th April
Down the Pan
13th April
I Want to Break Free
9th April
Big Brother seems to have been left in a bar somewhere
7th April
Don't Box Me In
24th March
Political Correctness Reaches New Heights
24th February
A Stadium's Tale: Cup Final Goes West
17th February
Modern Musicals are Rubbish
10th February
The City-Side Alliance
20th January
February Sales
20th January
Moby Sick
13th January
Glass Half Full
3rd January
Three Cheers for the Tube Station Workers
2005
22nd December
January Bites
16th December
A Remarkable Year
25th November
And a Partridge in a JCB
11th November
Driving Miss Sadie
4th November
Spam, Spam, Spammity-Spam, Shakespeare, Zorro, Chico and Rasputin
28th October
Trick or Treat?
21st October
We Don't Mind a Little Delay...
14th October
Final Resting Place for Young British Artists
16th September
Just a small urn for me, please barman
9th September
DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!
2nd September
The Free Tenor
30th August
Samba Rhythms Breaking Out All Over The Stadium
20th August
Getting Behind the Iron Farce
10th August
Mystery Play is No Sell Out
29th July
Moving On From 7/7
22nd July
Get loaded in the park
15th July
Victoire!!
24th June
New Balls, Please
17th June
The End of an Unsightly Era
10th June
The Hooded Law
31st May
Widespread Diso-’Beeb’-ience
20th May
Pass the Pepper Spray
20th May
Black Theatre Breakthrough
27th April
Five More Years
20th April
Dancing with Idiots
12th April
A Youthful Look at the Theatre
30th March
Musical Communion
23rd March
Big Guns Back in Town
10th March
Celebs in the City
28th February
There's no business like showbusiness!
22nd February
Ken You Believe It?
10th February
Make Poverty History
28th January
Loving It!
21st January
The Great West End Ticketing Scandal
14th January
The Triumph of the Ordinary
2004
30th December
Party Pooper
23rd December
The Second Battle of Trafalgar
16th December
Sadie's Year
28th November
Ripper-Watch
21st November
Kinky Boots
14th November
Smoked out
22nd October
Yuppie Meal
15th October
Fines of Fury
8th October
No Twist in the Turner
17th September
Battleships, bloodsports and Batman
10th September
Clique Week
3rd September
Return of the Bard
20th August
Politics Takes Centre Stage
13th August
Crisis in Theatreland
6th August
Journey's End
23rd July
Healing Waters
16th July
Mandela Statue in Doubt
9th July
From Art to Ashes
2nd July
One Hurdle Nearer to Gold
 
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