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April
London’s Walk on the Wild Side 27th April 2007
Safari in the City
Ok, so you’re on ‘Family Fortunes’. Your rivals - the Parrott family from Penge - have edged infuriatingly ahead thanks to Barry Parrott Senior’s excellent round on household tools (top answer “spanner”). It’s your last chance to make a final bid for a place in the Big Money round and renew your family’s faith in you since that unfortunate incident with the hoover and the handbag (Aunt Marjorie’s) back in 1981. You step up to the front, position yourself next to Les Dennis - allowing yourself only a slight balk at his receding hairline and the overriding stench of Brut - fold your left arm behind your back, fingers tightly crossed, and place your right hand firmly in front of the buzzer. You wait nervously for the question. Les does an impromptu impersonation of Mavis Reilly from Coronation Street - “I don’t really know Rita...”. The studio ripples with embarrassed laughter. Then comes the question...

“We surveyed a 100 people and asked them to name an animal or bird associated with London.”

You yelp, fling your hand frantically forwards, pummel the buzzer with all of your might, and wait breathlessly. Les turns to you, one eyebrow raised. All you can see is Mavis Reilly from Coronation Street. You’re about to say “I don’t really know Rita” but then it comes to you...

“Panther!” you bark.

Les flinches. Aunt Marjorie rolls her eyes and reaches nervously for her handbag. You hear a thud to your right - your father’s head has fallen onto the desk in front of him. You hear a flapping - your mother has removed one of her shoulder pads and is frantically waving it over your father. You hear a snide “Yessss” - Barry Parrott Junior is exclaiming jubilantly under his breath, one fist clenched, smirking, head slowly nodding.

Everyone turns to Les.

Les turns to the board.

“We asked you to name an animal or bird associated with London. You said... (long pause)... panther (cue smug titters - and one significant guffaw - from the Parrott family), our survey said...”

Silence.

You close your eyes and flinch. You prepare yourself for that dreaded “uh-oh” noise - your first and fatal strike - and wave goodbye to your last chance for redemption. More waiting. You rub sweaty palms on stone-coloured stay-press. Suddenly there’s a resounding “ting!” and the word ‘Panther’ flashes up on the board. Not just anywhere on the board. High up the board. Position Number 1 on the board, in fact. A resounding “55%-of-people-surveyed-said-‘Panther’” high on the board.

Les glances nervously at the camera before frantically scanning his question card. Aunt Marjorie drops her handbag. Your mother shoves her shoulder pad back in and yanks your father back up. Your father lifts his head, a dazed look on his eyes. You hear a menacing hiss of “Fixxxx” from the opposition - Barry Parrott Junior is growling, both fists clenched and raised threateningly.

You try to find your breath. You faint.

Cue commercial break.

Back in the real world, back in the capital, and it seems the city’s zoological landscape has indeed changed. Think London wildlife and traditional images of one-toed pigeons, flea-ridden rats, wasps, worms, horseflies, hedgehogs and the odd sparrow spring to mind. These days, however, tourists in search of unusual wildlife would be forgiven for bypassing London Zoo in favour of a simple stroll through the streets and parks of the city. Over the past year we’ve seen bright green parakeets in parks, four-legged ducks in ponds (long live Stumpy), sky-diving foxes in shopping centres, a bottle-nosed whale in Westminster, a squirrel monkey on Clapham Common and a parade of pink swans on the Thames (probably making their way to Clapham Common if they’ve got any pink pride). And, yes, the most famous London animal at the moment is, indeed, a panther - aka “the Beast of Bexley”. Sightings of this “abnormally large, black cat” are regularly recorded in every desperate free-sheet, making it one of the capital’s most columnised creatures; marginally ahead of Flossie - the sunglass-wearing Spaniel from the suburbs whose inability to produce tears (cue sympathy blub) has also sparked considerable media attention.

So next time you find yourself watching ‘Family Fortunes’, wait a second before ridiculing the man whose answer to: “Name something a blind man might carry” is “A sword”. He might, he just might, be right.

On the other hand he’s probably just stupid.
More Voguish than Eco Warrior
When there was a scrap (over wooden shelves was it?) in Ikea everyone thought themselves far above such vulgar behaviour but that was before Anya Hindmarch’s eco-friendly shopping bag. The £5 creation says “I’m not a plastic bag” and I’m inclined to agree – it’s the hottest thing around and it’s hit Sainsbury’s of all places. Fashion types will definitely break a nail to get their hands on this one.
Under the Hammer
It’s tempting to start clawing posters off the walls of Tube stations in the light of recent news that Bonhams is selling London Underground posters of the 1920s and 1930s for hard cash. Highlights include “Horace Taylor To Summer Sales”, which could fetch up to £1,200. Words like modernist, vintage and Golden Age are being bandied around so it looks like the Underground is on the right track for producing fine art.
In The Frame
If marrying Prince Charles wasn’t enough confirmation, Camilla Parker Bowles must feel she’s got her feet firmly under the royal table as she appears for the first time in a group portrait with Liz and co. She knows her place (in the background behind the Queen of course) but it’s taken her over 30 years to get this far – see for yourself at the Mall Galleries from 26 April.
October 2009
26th October
Posties Strike a Chord
26th October
Frieze Still Pleases
September 2009
26th September
A River Runs Through It
23rd September
Blogging is Best
August 2009
26th August
When Saturday comes
22nd August
Bring on the Bikes
July 2009
27th July
Against the Clock
20th July
View for a thrill
June 2009
May 2009
April 2009
March 2009
February 2009
18th February
New Photography Laws
12th February
Glitz and the Pitts
January 2009
27th January
Setting the Standard
21st January
Too Much for Posh Nosh?
December 2008
23rd December
January is on the Horizon
20th December
Merry Christmas
November 2008
26th November
All The World's A Stage
20th November
Surviving the Crunch
October 2008
24th October
Boris v Jingjing
17th October
Soaps in Pole Position
September 2008
August 2008
July 2008
June 2008
May 2008
April 2008
23rd April
By George
11th April
Back to the 80s
March 2008
February 2008
20th February
Dark, Satanic Turnmills
6th February
A Diamond in the Drink
January 2008
21st January
People Wanted for Plinth
14th January
Boo! Hiss!
December 2007
28th December
Tate That - A Hirst for Art
20th December
Christmas Shopping
November 2007
27th November
Mind the Gap
26th November
London On A Tray
October 2007
26th October
Leaving the Station
14th October
The Sky's the Limit
September 2007
August 2007
24th August
Heathrow under Siege
17th August
Gormless
10th August
Losing Face
July 2007
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
23rd March
So, Another Magazine
16th March
Avoiding iContact
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
26th May
Curvaceous Border
12th May
Vegging Out
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
20th January
February Sales
20th January
Moby Sick
13th January
Glass Half Full
3rd January
Three Cheers for the Tube Station Workers
December 2005
22nd December
January Bites
16th December
A Remarkable Year
November 2005
October 2005
September 2005
August 2005
July 2005
29th July
Moving On From 7/7
22nd July
Get loaded in the park
15th July
Victoire!!
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
January 2005
December 2004
30th December
Party Pooper
23rd December
The Second Battle of Trafalgar
16th December
Sadie's Year
November 2004
28th November
Ripper-Watch
21st November
Kinky Boots
14th November
Smoked out
October 2004
22nd October
Yuppie Meal
15th October
Fines of Fury
8th October
No Twist in the Turner
September 2004
17th September
Battleships, bloodsports and Batman
10th September
Clique Week
3rd September
Return of the Bard
August 2004
July 2004
 
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