Wednesday 7th January  13:34 pm Good Afternoon

on today on tomorrow other dates...

Nelson's Column May The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of 10th May 2007 But is it strictly necessary to put it on television? London has always been well-loved for its musicals but I fear Saturday night television is threatening to make a mockery of our revered stage shows. 'Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat' and 'Grease' have entered the fray that is reality television to find the stars who will take on the leading roles in these productions. The fact that Andrew Lloyd Webber - the very epitome of West End success (we can forgive him for 'Cats') - is leading this affront on the Beeb makes it even more horrifying. I knew we were in trouble when they insisted on going ahead (all this despite my screams of "please make it stop") with 'How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria' to find the title role for the stage production of 'The Sound of Music'. The "problem", as they so aptly described it, did not need Lloyd Webber and his band of merry musical thespies to solve it; it was altogether more simple than that and involved the hills decidedly not being alive with the sound of music but running for them instead. I mean, I'm sure Connie Fisher makes a very believable Maria but there is something inherently wrong about ten wide-smiled women dressing up in aprons and singing about their favourite things. And now it's all happening again - there's no escape from this drivel on Saturday nights as the BBC and ITV battle it out for ratings. In 'Grease is the Word' (ITV's no-hint-of-irony offering) you can tune into lots of starry-eyed gazing and jazz hands for the parts of Danny and Sandy or switch over to see 'Any Dream Will Do' with a worrying line-up of wannabe Josephs singing 'I closed my eyes, ah-ah-aaaah'. Both are equally soul-destroying but maybe the Joseph one just has the edge for worst TV show in the history of the world because it does that thing that the BBC does so well - takes itself far too seriously. Let's face it - Andrew Lloyd Webber (sorry to bring him up again) is no Simon Cowell and should really have stayed firmly and discreetly and behind the curtains of The Adelphi Theatre. The thing is I'm not usually one of those people who turns my nose up at the shockingly low culture of reality TV shows. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that I'm a self-confessed fan - 'Wife Swap', that one where the posh blonde woman rips hotels to shreds and not to mention 'X Factor' have all provided me with endless hours of amusement. But it's gone too far - the producers have crossed the line so unequivocally that someone... anyone needs to shout (in the immortal words of Ross from 'Friends') 'the line is a dot to you'. We have indeed come a long way from the days when Jason Donovan graced the West End stage in 'Joseph' - I'm not talking about talent here but he was Scott in 'Neighbours' for goodness sake. He had street cred and now all we've got is a bunch of boy band look-alikes hoping to get their big break. Now there's an idea - if all else fails they could probably have a number one hit with 'Close Every Door', as heard in the hit musical.* But that's another reality TV show altogether... *Philip Schofield has already tried this but that was in 1992 and he didn't have a megabucks show to launch him to stardom. Indulging is Good For You We all know how us Londoners love a bit of organic so news of a fresh foodstore sprouting up is balm to our souls. The Natural Kitchen on Marylebone High Street does exactly what it says on the tin – nothing artificial will pass its doors; even the grapes in the wine must be oh-so-healthy... Art for the Masses The Royal Opera House is offering its free, open-air screenings once again. The key word here is 'screenings' – don't make the mistake of thinking there'll be any real-life performers in the squares and parks of London for these events. The trick is to go prepared with a waterproof poncho and a cushion – that way you'll be able to survive sitting on concrete and the certain rainfall while sensible people hobnob inside the 'House'. Pushing 60 and Looking It For a £150,000 makeover you'd expect something a bit better than grey hair and crow's feet but this is exactly what Prince Charles got at Madame Tussauds when his waxwork was updated. Word from the museum is that the new-look Charles has more character – that's their story and they're sticking to it - but that his body has been recycled from his 1989 self. December 2008 23rd December January is on the Horizon 20th December Merry Christmas November 2008 26th November All The World's A Stage 20th November Surviving the Crunch October 2008 24th October Boris v Jingjing 17th October Soaps in Pole Position September 2008 23rd September Chips too Chavvy for Chelsea 16th September The London Restaurant Awards August 2008 26th August No Smoking, No Ducks, No Barbecues 20th August The Olympics July 2008 24th July Sandwiched Out 17th July The Show Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Lady's on Page 3 June 2008 26th June Love All at Wimbledon 16th June Miller Puts the Heat on Tennant May 2008 27th May Booze Banned on Buses 20th May Same Again? April 2008 23rd April By George 11th April Back to the 80s March 2008 28th March How do You Solve A Problem Like Medea? 20th March Flight Fantastic February 2008 20th February Dark, Satanic Turnmills 6th February A Diamond in the Drink January 2008 21st January People Wanted for Plinth 14th January Boo! Hiss! December 2007 28th December Tate That - A Hirst for Art 20th December Christmas Shopping November 2007 27th November Mind the Gap 26th November London On A Tray October 2007 26th October Leaving the Station 14th October The Sky's the Limit September 2007 26th September The Play Within A Play 19th September Fashion, Frocks and Celeb Shocks 12th September Saying Tanks for the Mammaries August 2007 24th August Heathrow under Siege 17th August Gormless 10th August Losing Face July 2007 24th July Are We Reaching Boiling Point Yet This Summer? 13th July Red Ken versus Blonde Boris June 2007 22nd June Last Orders at the Fag Machine 11th June London the Musical May 2007 21st May What Lurks Beneath 10th May The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of April 2007 27th April London’s Walk on the Wild Side 20th April Stand Behind the Yellow Line 13th April Like Water for Chocolate March 2007 23rd March So, Another Magazine 16th March Avoiding iContact February 2007 23rd February Sex and Art... 16th February C-Charge Protest Fails to Bring Down Government 9th February Live Earth London January 2007 26th January A Vote for Shilpa is a Vote for Britain 18th January Carriage on up the West End December 2006 29th December Food for Thought 22nd December A Poisonous Marketing Campaign 15th December In for a Penny, In for Five Pounds November 2006 17th November Big Department Stores Leave Santa Out in the Cold 10th November Failing to Save the World October 2006 27th October Frozen Prawns and Melting Icecaps 20th October Predatory Pelicans and Happy Woodland Folk 13th October Hope at last for east end of Oxford Street September 2006 16th September Lite the Blue Paper and Stand Well Back 9th September Of Poles and Twiglets August 2006 25th August Free Fares For the Fat and the Fashionable 11th August London Friendly 4th August Archway To Organic Heaven July 2006 21st July London - Celebrity Frat House 7th July Out of the Galleries into the Streets June 2006 23rd June Mayors, Nightmares and Marias 16th June Downright Rude in Paris and London 9th June Enter the Inferno May 2006 26th May Curvaceous Border 12th May Vegging Out April 2006 21st April The Camden Crawl 17th April Down the Pan 13th April I Want to Break Free 9th April Big Brother seems to have been left in a bar somewhere 7th April Don't Box Me In March 2006 24th March Political Correctness Reaches New Heights February 2006 24th February A Stadium's Tale: Cup Final Goes West 17th February Modern Musicals are Rubbish 10th February The City-Side Alliance January 2006 20th January February Sales 20th January Moby Sick 13th January Glass Half Full 3rd January Three Cheers for the Tube Station Workers December 2005 22nd December January Bites 16th December A Remarkable Year November 2005 25th November And a Partridge in a JCB 11th November Driving Miss Sadie 4th November Spam, Spam, Spammity-Spam, Shakespeare, Zorro, Chico and Rasputin October 2005 28th October Trick or Treat? 21st October We Don't Mind a Little Delay... 14th October Final Resting Place for Young British Artists September 2005 16th September Just a small urn for me, please barman