Saturday 6th September  20:58 pm Good Evening

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Nelson's Column July Red Ken versus Blonde Boris 13th July 2007 The best ever Mayoral elections Hartlepool elected a monkey, and Middlesbrough chose Robocop, but there may never yet have been a mayoral election quite as entertaining as the one that is about to happen in our fair city. In their search for a C-list political celebrity to match our Ken, they’ve tried a few on for size – Greg Dyke, Mike ‘Smashie’ Read and good old Steven Norris – but have finally selected everyone’s favourite cartoon toff Boris Johnson. Since the two candidates to control London’s £4.7 billion annual budget have been selected on their ability to come up with lively quips on Have I Got News For You, we might have a mayoral debate worth watching. They could get Angus Deayton to chair it (though given their reputations, it might be a mistake to put him and Boris in the same room as the Green Party’s lovely Mayoral candidate Sian Berry). Based on their pasts, it seems quite likely that one or both of the candidates will have to drop out of the race, after some fabulous scandal involving Jewish reporters, bicycles, Liverpudlians, sex, and newts, but if they do both make it to the last day, we may have a real contest on our hands for the very first time. A straw poll of my London friends reveals that Boris is considerably more lovable – and disturbingly, some of my Sloanier acquaintance even think he’s quite sexy – but that nobody would trust him to organise anything more complicated than a jug of Pimm’s, or possibly some kind of punting trip. On the other hand, everyone agrees that Ken has a horrible voice, which we’re all tired of hearing, and that if Boris did make a total cock-up of the city, he’d do it in an incredibly amusing way. As you can see, politics is debated at the highest possible level chez Nelson. And we’re also all agreed that there is more to Johnson than his cheery chubbiness. It can’t have escaped Ken’s notice that on top of that cuddly body sits a head that is almost precisely the same shape as London’s City Hall – surely a good omen for Cameron’s comedy candidate. What a Mob! St Paul’s Cathedral is well-versed in the art of spectacles but even Charles and Diana’s wedding would be hard-pushed to beat the latest ‘flash mob’ event. This craze of taking part in bonkers group activities has officially hit London and the stunt in question involved clubbers bopping on the church’s steps, each to their very own MP3 soundtrack. London is…glued to a screen London is home to more square-eyed, friend-searching obsessives than the rest of the world. Hooray! The Facebook phenomenon has taken the city by storm with over 800,000 members on the London network, beating nearest rival Toronto’s measly 700,000 or so and growing day by day. It seems we can be proud of ourselves. Let’s celebrate by creating a group called ‘We all really need to get out more!’ The Stage is Set Move over Regent’s Park Open Air Theatre – there’s a new kid on the block hoping to steal the limelight for the summer showing of ‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream’. This whimsical play has become a signature piece in the Regent’s Park repertoire but the Oxford Shakespeare Company is staging a production during August to rival the old-hands. It’ll be the first time Kensington Palace is used as an open air theatre too…oh, the decisions! August 2008 26th August No Smoking, No Ducks, No Barbecues 20th August The Olympics July 2008 24th July Sandwiched Out 17th July The Show Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Lady's on Page 3 June 2008 26th June Love All at Wimbledon 16th June Miller Puts the Heat on Tennant May 2008 27th May Booze Banned on Buses 20th May Same Again? April 2008 23rd April By George 11th April Back to the 80s March 2008 28th March How do You Solve A Problem Like Medea? 20th March Flight Fantastic February 2008 20th February Dark, Satanic Turnmills 6th February A Diamond in the Drink January 2008 21st January People Wanted for Plinth 14th January Boo! Hiss! December 2007 28th December Tate That - A Hirst for Art 20th December Christmas Shopping November 2007 27th November Mind the Gap 26th November London On A Tray October 2007 26th October Leaving the Station 14th October The Sky's the Limit September 2007 26th September The Play Within A Play 19th September Fashion, Frocks and Celeb Shocks 12th September Saying Tanks for the Mammaries August 2007 24th August Heathrow under Siege 17th August Gormless 10th August Losing Face July 2007 24th July Are We Reaching Boiling Point Yet This Summer? 13th July Red Ken versus Blonde Boris June 2007 22nd June Last Orders at the Fag Machine 11th June London the Musical May 2007 21st May What Lurks Beneath 10th May The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of April 2007 27th April London’s Walk on the Wild Side 20th April Stand Behind the Yellow Line 13th April Like Water for Chocolate March 2007 23rd March So, Another Magazine 16th March Avoiding iContact February 2007 23rd February Sex and Art... 16th February C-Charge Protest Fails to Bring Down Government 9th February Live Earth London January 2007 26th January A Vote for Shilpa is a Vote for Britain 18th January Carriage on up the West End December 2006 29th December Food for Thought 22nd December A Poisonous Marketing Campaign 15th December In for a Penny, In for Five Pounds November 2006 17th November Big Department Stores Leave Santa Out in the Cold 10th November Failing to Save the World October 2006 27th October Frozen Prawns and Melting Icecaps 20th October Predatory Pelicans and Happy Woodland Folk 13th October Hope at last for east end of Oxford Street September 2006 16th September Lite the Blue Paper and Stand Well Back 9th September Of Poles and Twiglets August 2006 25th August Free Fares For the Fat and the Fashionable 11th August London Friendly 4th August Archway To Organic Heaven July 2006 21st July London - Celebrity Frat House 7th July Out of the Galleries into the Streets June 2006 23rd June Mayors, Nightmares and Marias 16th June Downright Rude in Paris and London 9th June Enter the Inferno May 2006 26th May Curvaceous Border 12th May Vegging Out April 2006 21st April The Camden Crawl 17th April Down the Pan 13th April I Want to Break Free 9th April Big Brother seems to have been left in a bar somewhere 7th April Don't Box Me In March 2006 24th March Political Correctness Reaches New Heights February 2006 24th February A Stadium's Tale: Cup Final Goes West 17th February Modern Musicals are Rubbish 10th February The City-Side Alliance January 2006 20th January February Sales 20th January Moby Sick 13th January Glass Half Full 3rd January Three Cheers for the Tube Station Workers December 2005 22nd December January Bites 16th December A Remarkable Year November 2005 25th November And a Partridge in a JCB 11th November Driving Miss Sadie 4th November Spam, Spam, Spammity-Spam, Shakespeare, Zorro, Chico and Rasputin October 2005 28th October Trick or Treat? 21st October We Don't Mind a Little Delay... 14th October Final Resting Place for Young British Artists September 2005 16th September Just a small urn for me, please barman 9th September DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! 2nd September The Free Tenor August 2005 30th August Samba Rhythms Breaking Out All Over The Stadium 20th August Getting Behind the Iron Farce 10th August Mystery Play is No Sell Out July 2005 29th July Moving On From 7/7 22nd July Get loaded in the park 15th July Victoire!! June 2005 24th June New Balls, Please