Wednesday 20th August  17:48 pm Good Afternoon

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Nelson's Column August Heathrow under Siege 24th August 2007 Hundreds of protesters but the planes keep going Parched fields one year, unprecedented floods the next: global warming is certainly keeping us all on our toes. Just as we’re getting used to the idea of getting sunburn at festivals instead of trenchfoot, we see our tents floating off towards the sea. The politicians have all waded in on the subject; Green Gordon goes on summer holiday in Dorset (let’s hope he packed the wellies), do-gooder David gives his home an eco friendly facelift and pedals to work – oh and he goes to the Arctic to hug some huskies. I feel sorry for the Green Party, they’ve been harping on about this for years and where has it got them? Not into Number 10, that’s for sure. Now the main parties are nicking their campaign slogans. When we’re gambling with the future of the planet, it’s better to play it safe, of course, but I do resent the ‘Big Brother’ approach. Not satisfied with giving us the means to recycle, they’re now shoving it down our throats, it’s like beating us over the head with a great big, green stick. Soon you’ll be expected to pay more if your bin’s overflowing but what if you’ve just got a big family? Then your reams of rubbish are less to do with a lack of concern for the environmental and more of a family planning issue. The green issue has infiltrated all corners of London life: from food (local and seasonal, even if that means squirrels in summer and pigeons in winter) to travel (pedal power all the way from the suburbs to the City) and from how we shop to what we wear – 'vintage' clothes (or second hand if you get them from Oxfam) are all the rage now. At least a handful of, I mean over a hundred concerned individuals were prepared to wear their principles on their sleeves. The Heathrow protesters – not forgetting the ‘superglue seven’ who stuck themselves to the Department of Transport’s front door – are clearly not afraid of some direct action. Setting up a temporary tented village isn’t quite as demonstrative as dumping a truck full of shit on Gordon Ramsay’s door but still, you’ve got to hand it them, camping out in this weather can’t be fun. It was bad enough at Glastonbury and at least there were some bands, basket weaving and that sort of thing for entertainment. They’ve even been involved in skirmishes with the police – which always makes me giggle, it sounds so much like a good old fashioned school ground scuffle which usually resulted in grazed knees being dabbed with Dettol. I suspect, though, that a run-in with standard issue riot gear would be slightly more damaging to soft body parts. A few minor skin abrasions aside, it wasn’t exactly the most headline-grabbing event of the year. Editors waiting for the riots, hoax bomb threats and grounded flights were, no doubt, disappointed – well, things are quiet on the news front at this time of year. Only this morning a boy arrested for throwing a cocktail sausage was being interviewed on ITV’s breakfast news. I rest my case. But the real question is did these modern day Swampies actually do anything to further their cause? Well, sensibly they didn’t prostrate themselves on the runway and caused no delays to flights – that wouldn’t help them win any popularity points – but they certainly succeeded in raising awareness. While I wasn’t tempted to join the protesters in their tented village thanks to them I now know where the third runway has been pencilled in for and quite shocking it is too. I’m not about to cancel the holiday to South America (well, it’s booked now so it’d be silly to waste it) but I will be keeping an eye on how the building work at the airport is coming along. A Chip off the Old Block? It’s not fair to tar the whole band with the same brush but while dad’s fellow Rolling Stones are busy flouting the smoking ban, James Jagger is towing the line. As part of his part at the King’s Head theatre in Islington, the budding actor has to light up on stage but it appears he’s a good law-abiding lad and has got permission from Islington Council as the puffing is ‘integral’ to the plot. Oil Relief Cuddly Venezuelan president/despot Hugo Chavez has finally proved what we already half-knew: that no amount of third-world suffering is quite as bad as the rage that Londoner’s feel on paying such high prices to get around the city. His country (whose citizens have an average annual income of £4500 a year) is set to subsidise London busses, halving the cost of tickets for low-income Londoners. Rampant Railways London Transport has vetoed an advert for the ‘Rampant rabbit’, the Anne Summers, erm, toy that was made famous by ‘Sex and the City’. The advert, featuring a mermaid, and the slogan ‘Wave after Wave of Pleasure’ has already appeared in magazines, but TfL are refusing to display it unless the word ‘pleasure’ and all mention of the Rabbit are removed. London Underground bosses didn’t add that if you sit right and wear appropriate underwear, the shaking and rocking motion of the Victoria Line between Seven Sisters and Walthamstow Central is better than any sex toy. July 2008 24th July Sandwiched Out 17th July The Show Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Lady's on Page 3 June 2008 26th June Love All at Wimbledon 16th June Miller Puts the Heat on Tennant May 2008 27th May Booze Banned on Buses 20th May Same Again? April 2008 23rd April By George 11th April Back to the 80s March 2008 28th March How do You Solve A Problem Like Medea? 20th March Flight Fantastic February 2008 20th February Dark, Satanic Turnmills 6th February A Diamond in the Drink January 2008 21st January People Wanted for Plinth 14th January Boo! Hiss! December 2007 28th December Tate That - A Hirst for Art 20th December Christmas Shopping November 2007 27th November Mind the Gap 26th November London On A Tray October 2007 26th October Leaving the Station 14th October The Sky's the Limit September 2007 26th September The Play Within A Play 19th September Fashion, Frocks and Celeb Shocks 12th September Saying Tanks for the Mammaries August 2007 24th August Heathrow under Siege 17th August Gormless 10th August Losing Face July 2007 24th July Are We Reaching Boiling Point Yet This Summer? 13th July Red Ken versus Blonde Boris June 2007 22nd June Last Orders at the Fag Machine 11th June London the Musical May 2007 21st May What Lurks Beneath 10th May The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of April 2007 27th April London’s Walk on the Wild Side 20th April Stand Behind the Yellow Line 13th April Like Water for Chocolate March 2007 23rd March So, Another Magazine 16th March Avoiding iContact February 2007 23rd February Sex and Art... 16th February C-Charge Protest Fails to Bring Down Government 9th February Live Earth London January 2007 26th January A Vote for Shilpa is a Vote for Britain 18th January Carriage on up the West End December 2006 29th December Food for Thought 22nd December A Poisonous Marketing Campaign 15th December In for a Penny, In for Five Pounds November 2006 17th November Big Department Stores Leave Santa Out in the Cold 10th November Failing to Save the World October 2006 27th October Frozen Prawns and Melting Icecaps 20th October Predatory Pelicans and Happy Woodland Folk 13th October Hope at last for east end of Oxford Street September 2006 16th September Lite the Blue Paper and Stand Well Back 9th September Of Poles and Twiglets August 2006 25th August Free Fares For the Fat and the Fashionable 11th August London Friendly 4th August Archway To Organic Heaven July 2006 21st July London - Celebrity Frat House 7th July Out of the Galleries into the Streets June 2006 23rd June Mayors, Nightmares and Marias 16th June Downright Rude in Paris and London 9th June Enter the Inferno May 2006 26th May Curvaceous Border 12th May Vegging Out April 2006 21st April The Camden Crawl 17th April Down the Pan 13th April I Want to Break Free 9th April Big Brother seems to have been left in a bar somewhere 7th April Don't Box Me In March 2006 24th March Political Correctness Reaches New Heights February 2006 24th February A Stadium's Tale: Cup Final Goes West 17th February Modern Musicals are Rubbish 10th February The City-Side Alliance January 2006 20th January February Sales 20th January Moby Sick 13th January Glass Half Full 3rd January Three Cheers for the Tube Station Workers December 2005 22nd December January Bites 16th December A Remarkable Year November 2005 25th November And a Partridge in a JCB 11th November Driving Miss Sadie 4th November Spam, Spam, Spammity-Spam, Shakespeare, Zorro, Chico and Rasputin October 2005 28th October Trick or Treat? 21st October We Don't Mind a Little Delay... 14th October Final Resting Place for Young British Artists September 2005 16th September Just a small urn for me, please barman 9th September DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! 2nd September The Free Tenor August 2005 30th August Samba Rhythms Breaking Out All Over The Stadium 20th August Getting Behind the Iron Farce 10th August Mystery Play is No Sell Out July 2005 29th July Moving On From 7/7 22nd July Get loaded in the park 15th July Victoire!! June 2005 24th June New Balls, Please 17th June The End of an Unsightly Era