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Nelson's Column
August
Gormless 17th August 2007
Great art and poor quality control at the Southbank Centre
Working as a London journalist means a constant source of guilt. Every day my inbox is filled with press releases for completely unmissable exhibitions, gigs, plays, films, experimental dance-art multimedia performances, and restaurant openings. It makes me feel like a night spent swigging coke floats in front of Big Brother is a night wasted.

The Southbank Centre - finally reopened this month after two years of restoration - is the worst culprit. Every week seems to bring a new exhibition, gig, or performance that I feel dreadful for missing – and that’s speaking as someone wholly indifferent to classical music, which is supposed to be the main attraction.

So last Friday, I carefully arranged to meet up with my old university buddies just round the corner from where the Southbank were staging their latest dance/art/performance/parkour/etc/etc multi-media extravaganza. It was all free, and taking place out of doors, so all I had to do if I wanted to see it was drag everyone out of the White Hart by 9 o’clock.

With a hundred dancers clambering all over the Royal Festival Hall, extravagant costumes, and pounding music, they’d obviously spent a ton of taxpayers' money on it. Unfortunately, they’d forgotten to get all these people to do anything interesting, apart from that jerky, angry dancing that performance artists always regard as a sign of a truly original mind at work.

Publicly-funded art, eh? It really is the most astonishing waste of money. Or at any rate, that was the conclusion we reached as we soaked up the booze with a meal in the (excellent) new Canteen under the RFH. Ninety-one million pounds they’ve spent, on creating a venue where the terminally pretentious can hire a hundred dancers to pranny around on a roof with no worries at all about whether anyone might actually want to watch it.

And then after our meal, we stepped out onto the riverside exit, the glorious building (once described as a ‘monstrous carbuncle’ by Prince Charles) rising behind us, and started spotting Antony Gormleys. The lifesize casts of the artist’s body, lonely figures caught all over the London skyline, are an absolutely gripping piece of art, 31 moments of stillness, solitude and thought, where the evening’s earlier performance had been all about noise and motion without intelligence or wit. The moment was rather spoiled by a group of boozy Welsh girls who spotted the well-endowed statue nearest us, and started performing amusing sex acts on it, but public art is supposed to be all about interactivity, isn’t it?

The public have voted with their feet on this one: Gormley’s show at the Southbank Centre’s Hayward Gallery has just entered their top five ever exhibitions, joining Picasso, Renoir, Toulouse-Lautrec and Leonardo Da Vinci, and knocking Van Gogh into 6th place. It’s an amazing achievement for a contemporary artist and a vindication of the power of free art to inspire people. If only they’d stick to people with real talent…
Festival Floods
Glastonbury was pretty muddy, but forecasters are warning that fans at this year’s Reading Festival are going to be synchronised swimming rather than dancing. The festival site is in one of the areas worst affected by the flooding earlier this summer, and most of the planned camping fields are still completely unusable, while heavy rain this week might leave part of the site underwater.
Tractor Tax on Chelsea Wealth
Owners of gas-guzzling, road-hogging 4 x 4s are going to find themselves out of pocket soon, as the Mayor of London introduces a vicious £25-a-day Congestion Charge on the vehicles. The vehicles are popularly known as 'Chelsea Tractors', and with this price rise coming so soon after the extension of the Congestion Charge zone, Chelsea’s residents are starting to wonder if the Mayor might have a little vendetta against them
Ramsay's Restaurant Nightmare
TV’s Mr Angry is starting to lose his lustre according to the eight thousand gourmet diners who voted in this year’s Harden’s restaurant survey. Gordon Ramsay is now officially only the second best restaurant in the country, after Marcus Wareing’s Petrus. This probably won’t be too upsetting for Gordon (he owns Petrus), but he might be a bit more worried about the suggestion from the guide’s publisher that the food in Ramsay at Claridge’s is "mediocre" and that he is spending too much time on television, and letting standards slip. Hopefully poor wee Gordon’s millions of pounds and international fame will be a consolation to him in these troubled times.
September 2008
23rd September
Chips too Chavvy for Chelsea
16th September
The London Restaurant Awards
August 2008
26th August
No Smoking, No Ducks, No Barbecues
20th August
The Olympics
July 2008
24th July
Sandwiched Out
17th July
The Show Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Lady's on Page 3
June 2008
26th June
Love All at Wimbledon
16th June
Miller Puts the Heat on Tennant
May 2008
27th May
Booze Banned on Buses
20th May
Same Again?
April 2008
23rd April
By George
11th April
Back to the 80s
March 2008
28th March
How do You Solve A Problem Like Medea?
20th March
Flight Fantastic
February 2008
20th February
Dark, Satanic Turnmills
6th February
A Diamond in the Drink
January 2008
21st January
People Wanted for Plinth
14th January
Boo! Hiss!
December 2007
28th December
Tate That - A Hirst for Art
20th December
Christmas Shopping
November 2007
27th November
Mind the Gap
26th November
London On A Tray
October 2007
26th October
Leaving the Station
14th October
The Sky's the Limit
September 2007
26th September
The Play Within A Play
19th September
Fashion, Frocks and Celeb Shocks
12th September
Saying Tanks for the Mammaries
August 2007
24th August
Heathrow under Siege
17th August
Gormless
10th August
Losing Face
July 2007
24th July
Are We Reaching Boiling Point Yet This Summer?
13th July
Red Ken versus Blonde Boris
June 2007
22nd June
Last Orders at the Fag Machine
11th June
London the Musical
May 2007
21st May
What Lurks Beneath
10th May
The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of
April 2007
27th April
London’s Walk on the Wild Side
20th April
Stand Behind the Yellow Line
13th April
Like Water for Chocolate
March 2007
23rd March
So, Another Magazine
16th March
Avoiding iContact
February 2007
23rd February
Sex and Art...
16th February
C-Charge Protest Fails to Bring Down Government
9th February
Live Earth London
January 2007
26th January
A Vote for Shilpa is a Vote for Britain
18th January
Carriage on up the West End
December 2006
29th December
Food for Thought
22nd December
A Poisonous Marketing Campaign
15th December
In for a Penny, In for Five Pounds
November 2006
17th November
Big Department Stores Leave Santa Out in the Cold
10th November
Failing to Save the World
October 2006
27th October
Frozen Prawns and Melting Icecaps
20th October
Predatory Pelicans and Happy Woodland Folk
13th October
Hope at last for east end of Oxford Street
September 2006
16th September
Lite the Blue Paper and Stand Well Back
9th September
Of Poles and Twiglets
August 2006
25th August
Free Fares For the Fat and the Fashionable
11th August
London Friendly
4th August
Archway To Organic Heaven
July 2006
21st July
London - Celebrity Frat House
7th July
Out of the Galleries into the Streets
June 2006
23rd June
Mayors, Nightmares and Marias
16th June
Downright Rude in Paris and London
9th June
Enter the Inferno
May 2006
26th May
Curvaceous Border
12th May
Vegging Out
April 2006
21st April
The Camden Crawl
17th April
Down the Pan
13th April
I Want to Break Free
9th April
Big Brother seems to have been left in a bar somewhere
7th April
Don't Box Me In
March 2006
24th March
Political Correctness Reaches New Heights
February 2006
24th February
A Stadium's Tale: Cup Final Goes West
17th February
Modern Musicals are Rubbish
10th February
The City-Side Alliance
January 2006
20th January
February Sales
20th January
Moby Sick
13th January
Glass Half Full
3rd January
Three Cheers for the Tube Station Workers
December 2005
22nd December
January Bites
16th December
A Remarkable Year
November 2005
25th November
And a Partridge in a JCB
11th November
Driving Miss Sadie
4th November
Spam, Spam, Spammity-Spam, Shakespeare, Zorro, Chico and Rasputin
October 2005
28th October
Trick or Treat?
21st October
We Don't Mind a Little Delay...
14th October
Final Resting Place for Young British Artists
September 2005
16th September
Just a small urn for me, please barman
9th September
DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!
2nd September
The Free Tenor
August 2005
30th August
Samba Rhythms Breaking Out All Over The Stadium
20th August
Getting Behind the Iron Farce
10th August
Mystery Play is No Sell Out
July 2005
29th July
Moving On From 7/7