Nelson's Column
Link To Us Bookmark
November
Mind the Gap 27th November 2007
A vacancy opens up in Tube voiceovers
In the early nineteen-eighties, my Aunt Holly was station manager at King’s Cross. It was one of those days when it seems like travelling by tube is a weird Kafkaesque torture, devised by a chippy Northener as a punishment for everyone living in London. After ten hours of insanely hard work, in a station whose platforms were packed a dozen deep with furious commuters, all of them hurling abuse at any LT employee they saw, she got on the tannoy and announced:

“We really are sorry for all these delays. If it’s any consolation, this is as horrible for us as it is for you.”

I think I might have been rather pleased to hear this if I’d been a commuter that day. Holly’s bosses, however, were not. She received the mother of all bollockings, missed a promotion, and it hung over her, to some extent, for the rest of her career,

So I have a certain personal sympathy for ‘voice of the tube’ Emma Clarke, stitched up by the Mail on Sunday, and then sacked for including some spoof announcements on her website, . The MP3s on her site offer the sort of very mild humour that anyone who has ever blogged about London’s transport network ventures approximately 3 times every column: Americans talking loudly, pervy men staring at women’s chests, and so on. If London Underground hadn’t suffered such a substantial sense of humour failure, they would have been heard by practically nobody – unlike her most famous works (‘Please stand clear of the doors’, and her biggest hit to date, ‘mind the gap’) which have been heard more often, by more people, than anything by Elvis or Michael Jackson.

Hopefully the fifteen minutes of fame she’s had from this will help to get her some more work elsewhere, but above all, the wave of sympathy she’s had from commuters all over the Capital should give LT a chance to shake up those announcements anyway. Add some humour, or maybe bring in a few celebrities. It would be almost impossible to keep up that rush hour rage if Stephen Fry’s cuddly tones were informing you of ‘passenger action at Oval’, for example, or if the lovable Geordie voiceover from Big Brother was letting you know that it was ‘Signal failures causing delays to the Eustuurn soorvice”.

I think the best solution would be ‘King’s X Factor’, a nationwide talent search for people to deliver the perfect announcement, concluding with Rhydian going head to head with Chico in a grand ‘The next station is Theydon Bois’ finale. Emma Clarke and my Aunt Holly could be judges.
Track and Feline
Work on the Olympic site is continuing apace – good news if that 2012 deadline is to be met. But who’s thinking of the poor cats who may get stranded there? More than 5,500 people it seems. That’s how many have signed a petition to let animal welfare workers onto the site to assess the number of moggies who might be there risking any number of their nine lives dodging the bulldozers.
Double, double, toil and trouble
Patrick Stewart, starring in the title role, and Rupert Goold, directing, did the double for Macbeth at the Evening Standard Theatre Awards announced this week. The bloody Scottish play showed no signs of its reputation for bringing bad luck and it was smiles all round. Winning best actress was Anne-Marie Duff for her Joan Of Arc at the National Theatre. This officially makes Anne-Marie and husband James McAvoy one of Britain’s most talented and best loved luvvie couples – it’s all a far cry from the ‘Shameless’ days.
The Plinth and the Kapoor
Tracey Emin’s unmade bed could be the next ‘artwork’ to adorn the Fourth Plinth in Trafalgar Square. Let’s just hope vigilant community officers don’t mistake it for that of a homeless man and encourage it to “move along now”. A shortlist of six artists has been drawn up which sees Emin pitted against ‘Angel of the North’ creator Anthony Gormley and Anish Kapoor – who put a giant gramophone horn in the Tate’s Turbine Hall; try doing that on a plinth.
October 2009
26th October
Posties Strike a Chord
26th October
Frieze Still Pleases
September 2009
26th September
A River Runs Through It
23rd September
Blogging is Best
August 2009
26th August
When Saturday comes
22nd August
Bring on the Bikes
July 2009
27th July
Against the Clock
20th July
View for a thrill
June 2009
May 2009
April 2009
March 2009
February 2009
18th February
New Photography Laws
12th February
Glitz and the Pitts
January 2009
27th January
Setting the Standard
21st January
Too Much for Posh Nosh?
December 2008
23rd December
January is on the Horizon
20th December
Merry Christmas
November 2008
26th November
All The World's A Stage
20th November
Surviving the Crunch
October 2008
24th October
Boris v Jingjing
17th October
Soaps in Pole Position
September 2008
August 2008
July 2008
June 2008
May 2008
April 2008
23rd April
By George
11th April
Back to the 80s
March 2008
February 2008
20th February
Dark, Satanic Turnmills
6th February
A Diamond in the Drink
January 2008
21st January
People Wanted for Plinth
14th January
Boo! Hiss!
December 2007
28th December
Tate That - A Hirst for Art
20th December
Christmas Shopping
November 2007
27th November
Mind the Gap
26th November
London On A Tray
October 2007
26th October
Leaving the Station
14th October
The Sky's the Limit
September 2007
August 2007
24th August
Heathrow under Siege
17th August
Gormless
10th August
Losing Face
July 2007
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
23rd March
So, Another Magazine
16th March
Avoiding iContact
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
26th May
Curvaceous Border
12th May
Vegging Out
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
20th January
February Sales
20th January
Moby Sick
13th January
Glass Half Full
3rd January
Three Cheers for the Tube Station Workers
December 2005
22nd December
January Bites
16th December
A Remarkable Year
November 2005
October 2005
September 2005
August 2005
July 2005
29th July
Moving On From 7/7
22nd July
Get loaded in the park
15th July
Victoire!!
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
January 2005
December 2004
30th December
Party Pooper
23rd December
The Second Battle of Trafalgar
16th December
Sadie's Year
November 2004
28th November
Ripper-Watch
21st November
Kinky Boots
14th November
Smoked out
October 2004
22nd October
Yuppie Meal
15th October
Fines of Fury
8th October
No Twist in the Turner
September 2004
17th September
Battleships, bloodsports and Batman
10th September
Clique Week
3rd September
Return of the Bard
August 2004
July 2004
 
Link to Mind the Gap
To link to this page from your website use this code.
 
 
The link will appear on your page as:
 
Home | Contact us | Terms & Conditions | Link to us | Marketing | Partners | Subscriptions
Sponsor
Our favourite London hotels
May Fair Hotel
Luxury Hotels
 
In Trafalgar Square
20% off
 
At Liverpool Street
50% off
 
At Green Park
35% off
 
Near Covent Garden
30% off
 
Cavendish Hotel
Mid-range Hotels
 
Near Parliament
35% off
 
Near National Gallery
47% off
 
Near Tower Bridge
35% off
 
In Little Venice
40% off
 
Discounted theatre tickets
Chicago
57% off
 
29% off
 
42% off
 
56% off
 
47% off
 
38% off
 
Diner & Theatre Deals
Oliver
from £24.50
 
from £29.00
 
from £32.50
 
from £42.50
 
from £45.00
 
from £27.50
 
London Sightseeing
London Eye
10% off
 
10% off
 
10% off
 
from £8.50
 
from £25.00
 
10% off
 
LondonTown.com has special discounts every week. The amount of discount will vary depending on the dates you are coming and how far in advance you book. All discounts are subject to availability.
Recently viewed Favourites
Recently viewed